TITLE

Written by

Author's Name

Copyright (c) 2019

Draft
information

Contact
information

BAD LAW

written by

Alexis McCarthy

Phone: 406.539.5335
Email: luckydewcake@gmail.com

OVER BLACK:
SUPER: "Inspired by true events"
                                                 END BLACK

INT. A COURTROOM, QUEBEC, CANADA - DAY
Two men in suits fight. One of the men has the upper-hand. The other covers the blows. The COURTROOM AUDIENCE, about 80 people, wave the Canadian flag and sport the Sugar Maple Leaf. They bark ORDERS and shout obscenities at the two men.

MADAME CHIEF JUSTICE (O.S.)
I will have order. Officers, break up that fight between the defendant and the crown attorney.

COURTROOM AUDIENCE
Hit him harder! Sucker punch that hoser. Stick a marmot up his ass!

The Courtroom Audience repeats COMMANDS; the assault continues. COURT OFFICERS break up the fight and present the men; one bleeds and is disheveled.

MADAME CHIEF JUSTICE
This is my last warning. This isn't a muscle-contest. I will continue this proceeding without you. Is that clear?
The two fighting men nod, return to their sides and sit down.

MADAME CHIEF JUSTICE (cont'd)
And to the boisterous crowd: any person that engages Mr. Porter in disorderly conduct will be held in contempt.
(beat)
Now...is the crown attorney ready to proceed in its sentencing of the defendant?
The man with the upper hand in the fight stands up.

HERMAN
(Quebec accent)
Yes, Madame Chief Justice. I'm ready to proceed.
HERMAN, 40's, is a Jewish attorney who lacks common sense. Hes a good lawyer-but also a hot mess.

HERMAN (cont'd)
I do apologize for my kerfuffle. I did request that this high-profile case be closed to the media and public to avoid this catastrophe. Fast movements and flashy props
(points to crowd)
-they started it!

MADAME CHIEF JUSTICE
Mr. Herman Porter, this is the first opportunity I've had to see you work in my courtroom. However, after this, I'm not sure if I'd use the word 'opportunity'. You didn't land this position or this case by chance. You were an accomplished family attorney for many years then, a maple syrup attorney and then, according to you...a family-maple-syrup attorney. Frankly, I don't even know what that means, and I hate to even ask.

HERMAN
A family-maple-syrup attorney is--

MADAME CHIEF JUSTICE
(puts hand up)
I understand your behavior. But, for everyone who doesn't, could you please state for the record the unavoidable reasoning behind your acts of physical violence?

HERMAN
Of course. ...The fight or flight response is a hard-wired physiological reaction where some external stimulus triggers an event and as a result we have a 'startle' reflex. In certain individuals, like me, the startle reflex can be dangerous.
The courtroom fans are captivated by Herman's speech.

HERMAN (cont'd)
This rare disorder was first observed in a group of French-Canadian lumberjacks living around Maine. If people with this condition are ordered or commanded to do something-they will do it. A mere sudden or unexpected noise or physical contact can set off the behavior with symptoms like flailing (flails), jumping (jumps), SCREAMING, CURSING, striking, mimicking gestures, echoing words (echo voice), even (parrot voice) parrot talking, and throwing objects...

He grabs a book and slams it into a man's face in the Courtroom Audience. The defendant's attorney, MR. BOUCHARD, objects:

MR. BOUCHARD
Madame Chief Justice, if I recall correctly, Mr. Porter said he must be startled in order to illicit the response.

HERMAN
It's for illustrative purposes-Pierre.

MADAME CHIEF JUSTICE
Mr. Bouchard, I'll take care of this. Mr. Porter, he's right. I didn't ask you to demonstrate this in-depth.

MR. BOUCHARD
Yahoo.

HERMAN
(parrot voice)
Yahoo.

MR. BOUCHARD
And remind me again what this ridiculous startle disorder is called?

HERMAN
This phenomenon is called Jumping Frenchman of Maine. Its virtually non-existent except for a few cases in the world.

MR. BOUCHARD
That sounds made-up!

MADAME CHIEF JUSTICE
Gentlemen, enough bickering.

MR. BOUCHARD
Hes making this a dog and pony show. My client is the victim. It's just another game that the prosecution is playing to win over the hearts of the Canadians.

HERMAN
Excusez-moi, but your client isn't a victim. He's one of five found guilty in the world's largest maple syrup heist; stealing 3,000 tons of maple syrup valued at $18.7 million dollars. The real victim is anyone who goes to pour that sweet elixir on their pancakes and nothing comes out of the bottle.
(hand on hip)
And, I'm offended by what counsel is insinuating. I was offered this job because I'm an aggressive attorney-not because of my neuropsychological affliction.

MADAME CHIEF JUSTICE
Mr. Porter when the province of Quebec hired you on professional merit, they did so based on the assumption that you would be aggressive in the courtroom-not physically aggressive towards the people on trial.

MR. BOUCHARD
I think its all in your head. Eh?

HERMAN
This isn't a joking matter! My disorder is precisely why my father had to change his occupation from a lumberjack to a maple syrup farmer.

MR. BOUCHARD
Because why?

HERMAN
Because there were too many axes around! It put the family in terrible danger!

MR. BOUCHARD
How rich.

HERMAN
Go ahead, I dare you to hypothetically startle me in the parking lot. You better hope I don't have an ax near me!

MR. BOUCHARD
Madame Chief Justice...he just threatened my life in court.

HERMAN
I did say hypothetically.

Madame Chief Justice suffers a migraine.

MADAME CHIEF JUSTICE
We really need to move on. ...So, my instructions for everyone are: be quiet, no fast movements, and follow my lead to ensure the safety of the people in this Court.

Herman and Mr. Bouchard cast glares and return to their sides. Herman eats a handful of (what appears to be) chocolate chips-it calms him.

MADAME CHIEF JUSTICE (cont'd)
It's December 20, 2012. It is the judgment of this Court that the defendant, Antoine Lapointe has committed an offense against society. However, based upon the evidence and seriousness of the crime, a conviction would impose an exceedingly punitive punishment even though the providence has made it's case. Mr. Lapointe, you are hereby sentenced to three years of supervised release and a fine of $9.4 million dollars.

Herman receives astonished looks from the Courtroom Audience.

HERMAN
He gets no prison time?! I was going to celebrate my win with a maple syrup ice-cone..EXCEPT THERE'S ONLY AN ICE-CONE BECAUSE THIS POOR SAP STOLE ALL THE MAPLE SYRUP!

MADAME CHIEF JUSTICE
Mr. Porter, would you like jail for the third time this month?

People of the court exit. A few discontented CANUCKS wave their hands at Herman and he breaks down.
HOURS LATER

In the empty room, Herman sits traumatized. A BRASH MESSENGER, upon entry, STARTLES Herman who then flails like a fish.

Brash Messenger walks up to Herman and hands him a letter; keeping his distance as if Herman is diseased.

HERMAN
(opens letter)
Whats this letter regarding?

BRASH MESSENGER
The Prime Minister is deporting you. You let your country down Herman-and your disease didn't help you out either.

Herman is paralyzed with shame as the Brash Messenger exits. 

MONTAGE - ALL DIFFERENT DAYS

MUSIC: LIKE THE THRILL IS GONE BY B.B. KING

-- EXT. DEPORTATION CENTER, QUEBEC – SUB-ZERO MORNING -- The gates open. Herman wears his everyday shoe-a pair of vintage sneakers. A GUARD hands Herman a letter; he  musters a smile. The gates slam shut behind him. He opens the letter, it reads: "The State of Florida, United States of America, accepts you for Asylum". He drives away.

-- EXT. THE GEORGIA STATE BORDER - DAY -- The peach-colored sun scales the horizon. On the road Herman passes a road sign, "WELCOME TO GEORGIA".

-- EXT. SAVANNAH, GA - DAY -- On the road Herman passes a building that reads: Savannah County Courthouse. We stay with the courthouse. A courthouse sign reads: "FAMILY AND DIVORCE COURT".

INT. A GEORGIA COURTROOM – CONTINUOUS

In an empty room, JUDGE GRAY and two parties hammer out the details of a divorce; JOCELYN and her parents and DOUG and his family.

JOCELYN, 30's, a white-trash, nouveau riche waitress. Her favorite school subject: chewing Bubblicious. Her favorite color: any shade of manipulation. She idolizes Bernie Madoff-just don't ask her to spell it.

DOUG, 30-40's, a quick-witted attorney who hides his big back-tattoo under a nice suit-no tie. He used to compete in sports, but quit because he wasn't allowed to wear a weighted-vest to enhance the difficulty.

DOUG'S ATTORNEY and JOCELYN'S ATTORNEY debate.

DOUG’S ATTORNEY
Your Honor there are two reasons why Mr. Doug Jennings requested an emergency hearing. He has initiated a dissolution of marriage, with Mrs. Jocelyn Jennings, about twelve months ago. They have a two-year-old son, Reese. Mrs. Jennings has been secreting Reese-refusing to allow visitation time. He found out that she's moving to Florida with their child. He doesn't want his son to leave because it would mean the father-son relationship would be absent. 

JOCELYN’S ATTORNEY
Mrs. Jennings told him she wasn't happy in Georgia and wanted to return to her native home state of Florida; where her parents reside. She was feeling...provoked by his constant badgering about leaving. She's expressed to me that she isn't moving anymore-- 

DOUG’S ATTORNEY
That's not what the exhibits show. She leaves the impression that she can simply leave the state and wash her hands of the custodial sharing time. 

JUDGE GRAY
Mrs. Jennings, I'd like to hear from you. Do you want to be married to Mr. Jennings?
Jocelyn bolts out of her seat, interrupting the flow.

JOCELYN
No, Judge. But I have a big issue with giving my son to Doug for Christmas. He doesn't celebrate Elf-on-the-Shelf! He makes Reese sleep on 200-count cotton sheets and it gives him fatal nose-bleeds.

DOUG
(calmly sarcastic)
In my defense, Your Honor, its Egyptian cotton.

JUDGE GRAY
Mrs. Jennings, I don’t see Mr. Jennings asking for...every Tuesday with Reese because its 'Taco Tuesday'. And, each parent is legally allowed to celebrate as they see fit.
(reviews evidence)
Mrs. Jennings through your telephonic communication and email correspondence its evident you're refusing to sign the divorce papers and delaying a parenting-plan to frustrate Mr. Jennings.
(to Doug's Attorney)
What relief is Mr. Jennings is requesting for the two issues?

DOUG'S ATTORNEY
He's requesting a geographical restriction; which would prohibit her from leaving the State of Georgia without permission. Also, he asks for a temporary custody agreement to ensure that they both live up to their visitation promises.

JOCELYN'S ATTORNEY
A geographical restriction would be extremely limiting as Mrs. Jennings has the right to decide her domicile-choosing where she resides. Finalizing a parenting-plan will be a lengthy process. Her parents have offered to help her financially if she was able to move. 

DOUG'S ATTORNEY
I’d like to remind the Court that Mrs. Jennings and her parents have shown a pattern of behavior with blocking visitation. They all give excuses to why he can't see his son. The last time Mr. Jennings saw Reese was five months ago--

JOCELYN’S ATTORNEY
She has made Reese available, but Mr. Jennings hasn't made the effort. Hes a medical malpractice attorney that works many hours.

JUDGE GRAY
A father and mother have a constitutional right to have a relationship with their children-its one of our life liberties. However, that right can be lost if a parent doesn't abide by court orders. Mrs. Jennings you made it very clear that even if he received a court order forbidding you to leave-you were going to do so anyway. Therefore, at this time I cannot trust you and your request to relocate is denied.
Jocelyn and her parents are outraged.

JUDGE GRAY (cont'd)
Mr. Jennings' parental-sharing time for every Friday at 5pm, to every Sunday at 5pm and alternating holidays is granted. Since it's Friday, Mrs. Jennings you will produce Reese at this juncture. Additionally, I find that Mrs. Jennings’ refusal to participate in the divorce and argue a plethora of frivolous issues has lead to increased legal fees. I order her to pay those fees. Mr. Jennings do you understand your obligations?

DOUG
Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE GRAY
Mrs. Jennings, you are not allowed to leave the State of Georgia. Do you understand your responsibilities? 

JOCELYN
(snobbish)
Yes, Judge. I'll give Reese to Doug.

The court doors open with Jocelyn carrying REESE, 2, who is then handed off to Doug.

DOUG
Reese! I have missed you so much!

REESE
(holds up bat plushie)
I'm your bat boy!

JOCELYN
(to Doug)
Why don't you enjoy the weekend with him and after that we'll just come up with a plan.

Doug hands off Reese to his family members.

DOUG
There is a plan, the Judge gave us one. I have Reese every weekend whether you like it or not. To make this arrangement easy on everyone-please abide by the Orders until they're further modified.

JOCELYN
No one can stop me from moving and creating a great life for my child. You're welcome to be a part of his life or not. You need to stop wasting my parents' money on lawyers.
Jocelyn and her parents exit hastily. Doug focuses back on Reese.

INT. DOUG'S HOUSE/REESE'S ROOM - RIGHT AFTER COURT

Reese inquisitively inspects his new ranch-style home. Doug leads Reese into his room which remains unpainted.

DOUG
Do you like your new room, Buddy?
Reese pulls the binky out of his mouth.

REESE
Oh, I like it a lot, Daddy.
He puts the binky back in his mouth.

DOUG
Can Daddy have that binky? I'll put it in a real safe place.

He is reluctant to give it up, but hands it over to Doug.

DOUG (cont'd)
We can finger-paint the wall-just you and me.

REESE
Can we paint me, you and Mommy?

DOUG
(swallows hard)
Of course, that would be lovely.
They paint the three of them. Reese paints a man holding hands with Doug (reminiscent to Herman).

DOUG (cont'd)
Who's that?

REESE
Um, hes your new friend, he will help you. I done. Wait!

Reese drops his pants, dips his tush in paint and mashes it into the wall. He inspects his creation one last time and is pleased.
DOUG'S FRONT DOOR – SUNDAY 5PM

Jocelyn grabs Reese. Reese looks conflicted. Doug tries to lift his spirits.

DOUG
Hey Reese, do you have your concealed-carry permit for that weapon of yours?

Reese responds happily with flexing both of his bicep muscles.

REESE
Oh yeah. Twof' of um!

Jocelyn hawks her gum out of her mouth and into Doug's bushes. She stuffs the binky back in Reese's mouth. 

INT. SHOPPING MALL ARCADE - DAY

Jocelyn and her parents, KIP and TAMI, collude at a bench. Reese sucks on his binky and plays in the ball-pen.

JOCELYN
Reese would be so much happier in Florida without Doug and his bullshit. He thinks because he's a lawyer that he can decide my future.

KIP
Princess, we're always here to help no matter what you get yourself into. We've always approved of everything you do. Tami, will testifying change the Judge's mind?

TAMI
Of course, we will testify Kip. The Judge will realize what's right for Reese. I mean you're his mother. Reese needs all three of us. 

KIP
Whatever it takes to get you back in Florida. We'll get you settled in our house or in one of our properties.

TAMI
More money for the lawyer isn't a problem. Baby doll, what did the orders say?

JOCELYN
(delusional)
Nothing-there are no orders. Doug's just harassing me.

TAMI
Just remember-anything that you and Reese want, we will get-you know that.

JOCELYN
Thanks Mom and Dad. I just can't keep doing this. Doug is such an awful father to do this to Reese...and me. 

Jocelyn and Reese leisurely pass a claw grabber machine. Reese fixates and points to a bear plushie in the pile of toys.

Jocelyn dispenses quarters and Reese plays the game. He misses the first grab...he misses the second grab.

JOCELYN (cont'd)
You only have one more Bubba.

Reese lines up the claw...it drops...and grabs the bear plushie. Simultaneously, a KIND KID is shoved into the machine by his BROTHER, the claw jostles and the bear plushie falls; wedging itself in the rear of the shoot.

KIND KID
Sorry, about that little guy.

Reese shrugs it off. Jocelyn escalates the situation.

JOCELYN
(to Kind Kid)
If it wasn't for you, you nasty little monster, my baby would have had that!

Kind Kid and his brother are scared off. Jocelyn orders Reese:

JOCELYN (cont'd)
Reach up in there and grab your bear.
Reese sticks his arms...and then head, into the shoot-no luck. Jocelyn picks Reese up by his feet; forcing him up the shoot.

JOCELYN (cont'd)
Try harder Reese. Suck in your stomach!

Finally, Reese grabs the bear. Jocelyn jerks him back-but he's stuck.

REESE
Mommy! Help! I stuck!

Jocelyn places a phone call, while Reese's half-body sticks out of the machine; legs scissoring. A SMALL CROWD gathers.
INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION - ARCADE/DOUG'S LAW OFFICE

Doug works at his desk. He answers his phone, unexcited. 

DOUG
Hello?

JOCELYN
I'm at the mall with your son. He was alone and climbed up the stupid claw grabber machine and now he's stuck.

DOUG
Why was he alone Jocelyn?

JOCELYN
He wasn't alone. I'm always with him.

DOUG
You just said he was alone and climbed up the machine.

JOCELYN
No, I didn't. Whatever Doug. Reese has bad behavior because you taught him to be overly competitive.

DOUG
Competitive stuffed-animal falconry is becoming more main-stream these days.

JOCELYN
How did you know it was a stuffed-animal? ...By the way, have you paid child support for next month? Because its due tomorrow and I still don't have it in my account.

DOUG
I pay child support every month. You do still owe me attorney fees.

JOCELYN
Why would a judge award you attorney fees when I only make $1000 per month? I'll just have to pay your attorney like $50 a month.

DOUG
That would take like...over 35 years to pay that debt off. Did you not listen to what the judge ordered? Put Reese on the phone-at least he will have something intelligent to say.

Jocelyn places the phone against the plexiglass.

DOUG
Reese? What's the view like?

REESE
Daddy! Everyone can see my butt!

DOUG
Use your brain to get unstuck.

REESE
Okay. I love you.

JOCELYN
(to Doug)
Are you coming here to help your son? He's...having a hard time breathing.

Reese crawls into the machine and sits on the pile of toys. The crowd doubles. FAMILIES take pictures. Reese waves like Queen Elizabeth, the other holding the bear plushie up high.

Two MAINTENANCE WORKERS arrives. They strap the machine on a dolly and wheel Reese away.

JOCELYN
Looks like we're going to the hospital and I'm going to be the one who saves him.

DOUG
Jocelyn, what hospital--
Doug's phone call is abruptly cut off.

INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM – 15 MINUTES LATER

TWO PARAMEDICS wheel Reese past the front desk with Jocelyn. Reese sings, "Bad to the Bone" by George Thorogood.

REESE
Baa baa baa baa Bad. Bad to the bone. Baa baa baa baa Bad. Bad to the bone... 

They continue to the elevator and the door closes.

Minutes later...business-suit Doug rushes in and proceeds to the front desk, where an IDIOTIC NURSE works the shift.

DOUG
This is the closet hospital to where I think my son was during a freak accident. Is he here?

IDIOTIC NURSE
Oh. I'm so sorry for your loss.

DOUG
No--he got stuck in one of those claw-grabber machines. He's two-years-old.

IDIOTIC NURSE
Let me check the recent D.O.A.s.

Doug scans the room filled with HURT PEOPLE. The TV plays, "Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory"; the scene where Augustus is stuck in the pressurized pipe.

IDIOTIC NURSE (cont'd)
I don't see anyone matching that description. If I take you to the morgue, would you be able to I.D. him?

DOUG
He's alive-not deceased. His name is
(reluctant)
...his name is Reese's Pieces Jennings.

IDIOTIC NURSE
Like the candy?

DOUG
Yes, you can thank my ex-wife for that one.

IDIOTIC NURSE
If he's still alive, what was the issue?

DOUG
Again, he climbed up a claw grabber machine. They're big-can't miss them. He got stuck in it.
(points to TV)
See that? That's probably what he looked like-but without the chocolate all over him!

IDIOTIC NURSE
Oh, okay. He is here.

DOUG
Thank you. Can you tell me where he is? I'm his father and I'm very worried.

IDIOTIC NURSE
I can't tell you that.

DOUG
Why not?

IDIOTIC NURSE
Because the parent that filled out his form wrote she's the custodial parent. Only custodial parents can have access or knowledge of their child's records. The custodial parent must give us permission for the non-custodial parent to receive information about their child-and she did not authorize that.

DOUG
I'm an attorney and our court order directs both of us to have the right to obtain medical knowledge and records for our son.

IDIOTIC NURSE
That's not what she told us.

DOUG
No? What did she tell you?

IDIOTIC NURSE
Jocelyn told us that Reese's Pieces Jennings doesn't have a non-custodial parent because he was
(views form)
murdered.

DOUG
Murdered? Oh that's epic! Who murdered me? Lemme guess...IT WAS THE SUCCUBUS, IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM, DURING A BLACKOUT, WITH A SHOT OF SUXAMETHONIUM CHLORIDE!

IDIOTIC NURSE
Mr. Jennings, I'm sorry. I can't tell you...who murdered...you.

A BUSY PARAMEDIC MAN wheels in CLARENCE on a gurney; placing him next to Doug. The man's body is riddled with porcupine quills, fur, peach pits and bits of shredded peaches.

DOUG
(to Busy Paramedic Man)
What happened to this guy?

BUSY PARAMEDIC MAN
Man, it's totally screwed up-take a look at his records.

He hands Doug the man's records.

DOUG
(reads to everyone)
Clarence Munford, 56, African-American, ...has a history of cardiac problems and is ghelrgic to shellfish--

The Idiotic Nurse swipes the records from Doug's grasp. CLARENCE wails in pain. Doug comforts him.

BUSY PARAMEDIC MAN
Some guy attacked him.

DOUG
Don't you mean a porcupine attacked him?

BUSY PARAMEDIC MAN
No, a man attacked him with a porcupine. The assailant was wearing a suit-like the suit you're wearing but instead of loafers-he had vintage sneakers.

CLARENCE
Last week my pet porcupine Spike died. He was the best pet I've ever had. So, I decided to have him stuffed.
(beat)
I picked up a crate of peaches from the store and then I picked up Spike from the taxidermist. I was walking down the sidewalk and BOOM! I accidentally ran into this man and he FLIPPED OUT! The last thing I remember is...I was in a tornado of chaos.

DOUG
I hope I never meet that douche bag.

Doug makes a phone call. He gets Jocelyn's voicemail. Distraught, he walks into the dusk.

INT/EXT. JOCELYN'S HOUSE (#1) – 5PM

SUPER: "The following Friday 5pm"

Doug enters the driveway in his convertible. The house has New Year decorations. He knocks-no answer. He makes a phone call-it RINGS from inside. He's enraged, picks up a giant rock and throws it through the window. He peeks in only to see the house is cleaned out. Now livid, he picks up a bigger rock and throws it through the other house window. He dials his phone.

Minutes later, a cop car pulls into the driveway. Two officers exit, OFFICER ZIMMERMAN and OFFICER SALTHORN. Doug has his court orders in-hand.

OFFICER ZIMMERMAN
Mr. Jennings I presume? I'm Officer Zimmerman and this is Officer Salthorn.

DOUG
(shakes hands)
Yes, Doug Jennings. Hello. My sons been kidnapped and I know he's been taken to Florida. Here's my court orders.  

OFFICER SALTHORN
I'm sure you're aware but, law enforcement doesn't get too involved with child custody issues. We'll locate your ex-wife and child. And you can order a welfare-check any time he's unaccounted for. But without her in state, it's limited what we can do.

OFFICER ZIMMERMAN
Unfortunately, you will have to bring--

DOUG
This up with the courts because it's a civil matter.

An officer examines the two broken windows. Doug watches imaginary birds fly overhead.

OFFICER SALTHORN
Do you know what happened to the windows Mr. Jennings?

DOUG
Ah, no...that was there when I got here.

The officers exchange eye contact, with hints of doubt.

OFFICER ZIMMERMAN
Why don't you ride with us to the station for some paperwork?

DOUG
No problem.
Doug has one foot in the cop car's back car door when he sees a person-of-interest in his seat wearing handcuffs.

DOUG (cont'd)
(serious)
Maybe its better if I run to the station? Its only an uphill 10K away.

OFFICER SALTHORN
Na, this guy's fairly harmless.

DOUG
Fairly?
INT. COP CAR (MOVING) - CONTINUOUS

Doug immediately buckles up. The handcuffed man wears a suit, tie and a pair of vintage sneakers. Doug is aloof.

DOUG
Pretty strange experience for me. I've never been in a police car before.

HERMAN
(no Canadian accent anymore)
I wish I could say the same. 

A bag of what we assume are chocolate chips lies in the man's lap.

DOUG
What are those, chocolate chips?

HERMAN
No, carob.

DOUG
Carob? Isn't carob for dogs?

HERMAN
Carob calms me down in times of stress. I always have it for emergencies. Carobs a great chocolate-substitute because I don't eat sugary, salty or spicy foods that stimulate my excitement response.

DOUG
Is that right?

HERMAN
And I especially don't eat that amber-colored slop that comes from a tree.

DOUG
What? Maple Syrup?

HERMAN
(angry)
Maple syrup?!

He downs a handful of carob-his anxiety subsides a bit.

DOUG
What I am missing? Do you have a problem with Can--

OFFICER ZIMMERMAN
Ah, Mr. Jennings, I would stop right there for safety reasons.

HERMAN
I was a citizen of
(gets a tick)
'Canada' but I was recently exiled.

DOUG
Where's your accent then?

HERMAN
The Prime Minister banned me from taking the accent because he said I was a disgrace to his country.

He eats more carob and his anxiety subsides.

HERMAN (cont'd)
Lucky for me, my assault citations always get dropped.

DOUG
Why would they always get dropped?

HERMAN
Because of my neuropsychological disorder. In times of being startled I react in violent or inappropriate ways. I have Jumping Frenchman of Maine.

DOUG
(looks at officers)
Is this guy serious?

The officers nod, yes.

OFFICER ZIMMERMAN
(to Herman)
Mr. Jennings is having custodial interference issues with his son.

HERMAN
Do you want some legal advice?
(drops head down)
Even though nobody seems to want my assistance.

DOUG
I don't think I need help.

HERMAN
Why not? I'm learning US law and will be taking the Bar soon.

DOUG
(looks at officers)
Is this guy serious?

The officers nod, yes. The cop car moseys into the station's lot.
EXT. POLICE STATION PARKING LOT/INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS

Doug and Officer Zimmerman exit the car. Officer Salthorn moves over to the driver's side seat.

OFFICER ZIMMERMAN
My son had these same issues: when a parent leaves jurisdictions, bouncing from state to state, it makes it incredibly difficult for the other parent to regain their child. Very few attorneys really know interstate custody. Finding a lawyer who knows that and specializes in custodial abduction is scarce.

HERMAN
Officer Salthorn, can you roll my window down?

Accidentally, Officer Salthorn hits the button for the back window-oppistie to Herman. In doing so, Herman is STARTLED and he handcuff-punches his window and it spiders.

HERMAN (cont'd)
Oops.

Officer Salthorn rolls down Herman's window; it crumbles.

HERMAN (cont'd)
Mr. Jennings, start a journal of every infraction-times, dates; even if it upsets you. It would be a moving piece of evidence. Generally, it's going to take numerous massive wrong-doings before a judge will rule in favor of the father.

DOUG
Coming from the man in handcuffs.

HERMAN
It was nice meeting you. I'm sure I'll see you again.

DOUG
Why would you be sure of that?

OFFICER SALTHORN
Mr. Jennings... Good luck.

HERMAN
(parrot voice)
Good Luck.
The cop car drives away.

INT. SAME GEORGIA COURTROOM – A MONTH LATER - DAY

In a sparse courtroom, the same two parties are in session.

JUDGE GRAY
(to Jocelyn)
...A few weeks ago Mr. Jennings filed papers with the court that ordered you and Reese to return from Florida; where you were found staying at your parents home. Mrs. Jennings, you blatantly disregarded this Court's unmistakable orders.

JOCELYN
I'm sorry. I misunderstood the order.

DOUG'S ATTORNEY
This is costing Mr. Jennings added legal fees and stress. Every time she thumbs her nose at the courts orders irreplaceable time is lost-this goes against the foundation of whats best in the interest of the child. We request fines and jail to curb her behavior.
Judge Gray, Jocelyn, Jocelyn's attorney laugh at the idea.

JOCELYN'S ATTORNEY
She's a single, hard-working mother with a child. 

JUDGE GRAY
I think incarceration is a little harsh for her first violation.

DOUG'S ATTORNEY
We need to impose serious consequences or this could spiral out of control. There's a paper trail of her blocking possession. It's highly probable that she will re-offend. Jail is a huge deterrent-otherwise you will see us back here for a third time.

JUDGE GRAY
(shuffles through papers)
I find Mrs. Jennings to be in contempt and order her to pay a $1000 fine. I also order her to pay continuing attorney fees. Mrs. Jennings, if you return with similar issues-you will be losing parenting time.
Doug shakes his head, sickened. Jocelyn leaves unscathed.

EXT. JOCELYN'S HOUSE (#2) - 5PM

SUPER: "Two weeks later, Friday 5pm"

Doug pulls into the driveway. A big Valentine's Day heart hangs on the door, laughing in his face. He knocks-no answer. Doug, pitched with anger opens his trunk, grabs a crowbar, and chisels at the front door.
Doug retreats back to his car, opens his briefcase, pulls out a legal pad and writes.

DOUG
(mutters, mocks)
Mr. Jennings, start a journal...

Minutes later, a cop car is approaching. He hides the crow bar and whistles. He grabs his court orders. The cop car's back window aligns with Doug to: Herman who sits in the back.

DOUG
What the h--

HERMAN
I told you we'd meet again.

DOUG
It's...you.
The same two officers exit and stare at the front door.

OFFICER ZIMMERMAN
What happened to the front door Doug?

A shot of the door: its not just chiseled but demolished.

DOUG
...Ah my caseload has been dealing with a rash of...vandalism incidents that have recently plagued the suburbs.

OFFICER ZIMMERMAN
What kind of lawyer are you?

DOUG
...A health attorney.

OFFICER ZIMMERMAN
I haven't heard of reports like that.
(points to Herman)
This guys been in jail!

HERMAN
Someday I'll make it to my final destination in Florida.

DOUG
Florida? FLORIDA! I HATE FLORIDA!
(adrenaline pumping)
Gimme those stupid carob chips.

Herman hands Doug the bag of carob. Doug eats some; bracing himself against the cop car.

DOUG (cont'd)
(calms down)
I needed that. Thank you...?

HERMAN
...Herman Porter.

DOUG
I did start a journal. The last hearing didn't go as expected. And, as you can see-its still not going in my favor.

HERMAN
It sounds like you need to serve your ex-wife a legal rape sandwich. A legal rape sandwich is--

DOUG
I think I'm good on the legal raping for now but, thank you.

The officers interrupt their conversation.

OFFICER SALTHORN
Doug, you know the drill: We'll be in touch.

Doug shakes their hands. The officers get in their car and drive away, but not before Herman yells:

HERMAN
See you soon, roomie!

DOUG
Roomie?

INT. SAME GEORGIA COURTROOM - A MONTH LATER - DAY

The same two parties are in session. Their families sit behind. Tami exits the stand. Beat.

JUDGE GRAY
...That concludes testimony of Jocelyn Jennings, and Kip and Tami Sigroy. ...Jocelyn and her parents have given the court persuasive and compelling testimony that if Ms. Jennings was allowed to relocate to Florida-Reese would undoubtedly be sent for your visitation. Mr. Jennings, they stated they would pay all travel costs for monthly visitation and give you all summers. Would you agree to those terms?

DOUG'S ATTORNEY
We will not agree to that. She's left twice now, illegally and that would be rewarding her for her violations. Their word means nothing. My time should be reimbursed. However, giving me 90% of the time, is not going to do me any good if Jocelyn never delivers Reese. I need something more concrete. She's a flight-risk and her parents are assisting her in the secretion--

JOCELYN'S ATTORNEY
Objection. That's speculative.

DOUG'S ATTORNEY
Ordering more time doesn't address the root of the problem which is the habitually offending parent has too much power. She should get three months in jail and Mr. Jennings should become the primary parent. We do have a court-abiding parent here.

JUDGE GRAY
I see Mr. Jennings is experiencing parental alienation. But in order to change the custodial parent, I would need to see years worth of consistent obstruction of visitation, failure to co-parent and severe parental alienation. I agree she needs to be sanctioned-but jail?

DOUG'S ATTORNEY
(losing patience)
Yes, jail. Why is that a difficult concept for the family court's to understand?
Judge Gray tips her head down, excuse me sir.

JUDGE GRAY
(jots with pen, contemplates)
Here's what I'm going to do to finalize this divorce and parenting plan: Its unheard of for judges to rule this way. I find Ms. Jennings to be in contempt again. Furthermore, I give Mr. Jennings every holiday and every summer indefinitely which is to coincide with Reese's future schooling schedule.
Jocelyn jumps up from her chair insulted by the decision.

JOCELYN
Doug can't get Reese every Christmas! He's an Elf-on-the-Shelf hater! Does indefinitely mean temporarily? Ugh.

JUDGE GRAY
Ms. Jennings, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Sit down. ...I am determining with a final Order that lifting the geographical restriction is appropriate at this time. I'm doing so for one reason only and that's based upon the testimony of Jocelyn and her parents. I feel Mrs. Jennings will comply since I'm allowing her to leave. However, Mrs. Jennings and her family are borne with all costs associated with sending Reese from Florida to Georgia.
Jocelyn and her parents gloat. Doug crawls out of his skin.

DOUG
(to Judge Gray)
That's not good enough! Ms. Gray, if you allow Jocelyn to leave, I will never see my son again. You're essentially allowing her to kidnap my son across borders with your blessing; knowing full well she'll never follow through with your orders! Their testimony is perjured! The family court system is broken because of judges like yourself!

JUDGE GRAY
Watch it Mr. Jennings. You'll see Reese this May. Court is adjourned.

There is an emotional altercation between the two sides. Doug moves towards Reese's extended hand but Jocelyn swipes it away. Reese's bat plushie drops flat to the floor. Jocelyn, Reese and her parents make a swift exit, The courtroom doors shut.

Doug sits in a bare courtroom with Reese's bat plushie. He wipes his damp face and drops his head in defeat.

EXT. DOUG'S YARD – DAY 

MOS: A whiskey bottle lies on the table. Doug makes a phone call-no answer. He takes a long swig from his glass. His footing unstable. He makes another phone call-no answer. He smashes his phone and drink; yelling. We see his silhouette with the sun setting behind. Beat. He buckles. His pooling eyes hold a reflection with the last light of the day. Then, we whirl circularly upward into a display of Doug's landscaped yard littered with Reese's toys.

TIME LAPSE: The colorful yard goes through two years' worth of seasons; each season fading with color until the yard is in black&white, without toys.

INT. DOUG'S LIVING ROOM – DAY
SUPER: "Two years later, May 2015"

Doug's family and best-friend, ANDY, 40's, a criminal attorney make an unannounced visit. Upon entry, they're greeted with the presence of thick smoke, spent fireworks, soot and massive fire damage.

A music video "Deliver Me" by Sarah Brightman plays on the TV.

OLIVIA, Doug's sister is first to comment.

OLIVIA
My brother's officially lost it.

They follow a trail of melted marshmallows that leads them to Doug, drunk on the floor. BARB, Doug's mom, kneels down to him. He's filthy. Unkempt. Marshmallow-hair. Sipping whiskey.

Doug madly sings with Sarah Brightman. His visitors grow worrisome.

...Deliver me, the cross that I'm bearing....

DOUG
Deliver me from the misery of losing my sweet bat boy.
...Wishing there was someone just like you....

DOUG (cont'd)
FUCK YOU SARAH BRIGHTMAN AND YOUR HUNDREDS OF PLATINUM RECORDS OF MULTI-LINGUAL RUBBISH! YOU AND PAVAROTTI CAN EAT MY LITIGATING LOG OF SHIT!
Doug lights a TNT 12-shot firework, points it at the TV, it explodes into it, seizes up and dies. His visitors scream.
Doug looks up. He sees what he thinks is a mirage of Andy.

DOUG (cont'd)
A-Andy? ...Andy from law school?

ANDY
Well, it's not Sarah Brightman. Apparently, if it were, she'd be in great danger. ...Now the fire damage makes sense. 

BARB
Honey, its Mom. Olivia brought your favorite snack.
Olivia holds up steaks.
Doug's Dad, PETER, scratches his head.

PETER
Son, I hope you don't have equity in this house. Barb is worried about you. We all are. You haven't left the house in months. 

ANDY
Peter said you could use a pep-talk from your best friend but it looks like someone beat me to it big guy.

Olivia passes a table with a collection of returned mail-all addressed to Reese; they read, "address unknown, no address listed, return to sender".

PETER
You should try to get Reese back. You're miserable so why not be miserable trying. The bad guy can't win forever.

OLIVIA
File a new case against Jocelyn
(spits)
and get sole custody so you don't have to deal with this anymore.
Doug breaks down when he hears the words, 'sole custody'.

DOUG
But I don't want full custody. I don't want Reese to be without a mother. That's not what I think is best for him. But I can't spend the NEXT THIRTEEN YEARS OF MY LIFE doing this. ...Its so complicated I can't even do the legal work to get my own kid back. This woman has every intention to poison me if I pursue again. This is why parents give up-because they die fighting.

BARB
Thanksgiving break is coming up. It's Reese's 5th birthday-your visitation. Even though she moved-your Georgia court order is valid. Take one more chance-reclaim your son.

Doug inhales deeply, clears his face and shakes it off.

DOUG
Thank you for caring for me-and my son.  
(looks to sky)
I miss that kid so much.
(leap of faith)
I'll do it!

They are elated. 

ANDY
There's steady work in Florida-their hospitals are always leaving surgical tools in patients! Plus, you can take one of my self-defense classes.
Doug and Andy jump shot a bottle into the trash.

EXT. DOUG'S HOUSE - DAY

Moving day. Doug and Andy wave goodbye to Doug's family. The finger-painted wall is strapped in the rear seat of the car.
EXT. THE FLORIDA STATE BORDER - CONTINUOUS

On the road Doug and Andy pass a road sign, "WELCOME TO FLORIDA, THE SUNSHINE STATE". Doug is revolted. They pass orange groves...and pull into Andy's driveway.

INT. BARISTA STATION, TAMPA COUNTY COURTHOUSE – DAY

The building reads: TAMPA COUNTY COURTHOUSE. People come and go.

BERNADETTE the barista works. Andy waits in-line.

ANDY
(answers phone)
Andy King... No--you tell him that I'm tired of being sent to undisclosed locations with a coffee bag over my head. 
(to Bernadette)
You're a shot-of-caramel today Bernadette. Can I have an iced Macchiato with whipped cream on top?

Bernadette nods. Andy runs a frustrated hand through his hair.

ANDY (cont'd)
Another client was dismembered?
Well, if they haven't found the head then maybe it's not our client.

Andy motions at Bernadette to add more whipped cream-she does.

ANDY (cont'd)
Okay. Confirm the...head thing. Send flowers and a card to the client's family. And then, in a week, send them the bill for the legal fees, flowers and the card.

Andy motions at Bernadette to add more-she does. They eye-bang the shit out of each other. The whipped cream overflows.

ANDY (cont'd)
Gotta go. I have to be in court for Doug's inauguration into the Bar. You're lucky you work for me-because otherwise this convo would have cost you $500.

Andy hangs up and takes the coffee. As he hurries away:

ANDY (cont'd)
(to Bernadette)
Lemme know if you want that restraining order served on your boyfriend, so I can get that date with you!

A GEEKY LAWYER is next in-line. He steps up to order.

GEEKY LAWYER
I'd like 20-ounces of whipped cream only.
SECURITY CHECKPOINT

Doug is in-line at the metal detectors. He checks his watch. People shuffle in behind him. Herman then enters the line.

HERMAN
(on phone)
I know...I'm trying to work on the way the community views me.

DOUG
(freezes, to self)
Out of all the courthouses in Florida...

HERMAN
(increasingly agitated)
Please sign my agreement. Delaying would be unfair. No, I'm not noodging you. I promise this is my last call. ...THAT'S PIG SHIT ON A ETROG! FINE-I'LL SETTLE FOR THE BLESSING! Thank you, Rabbi Meir. 

Doug rushes the people in-line, making a scene to avoid Herman's misfortunes. He passes through and books it double time.

Security employee, LETICA, spots Herman. She promptly notifies her co-employees.

LETICA
We've got Herman two shakes of a lamb's tail away!
(to people in-line)
May I have your attention: due to a prior incident, I must inform you that our security measures can't protect you against Jumping Frenchman of Maine.

HERMAN
Thanks Letica.

LETICA
No problem, baby.
JUDGE WANKITT'S COURTROOM-CONTINUOUS

Doug meets Andy in the benches. A GIANT FRUIT BAT, a SLOTH and TWO SUGAR GLIDERS roam free. The only thing missing is popcorn and Judge Judy.

DOUG
Are we in the right courtroom?
An airborne sugar glider flies past Doug's head.

ANDY
Judges don't use mallets anymore-but this judge upgraded to a wooden club.
The COURTROOM CLERK enters with JUDGE WANKITT trailing behind; who holds a skunk, STUNKERTON WANKITT JR..

JUDGE WANKITT, over 40, adores his voice. He wears a black robe, and white collar. TWO OPTIONS: The actor's Black and wears his magistrate wig over his Afro OR the actor's Caucasian and styles his hair like a magistrate wig.

COURTROOM CLERK
All rise. The Honorable Judge Rick Wankitt presiding. This Court is now in session.

Everyone present in the courtroom stands. Judge Wankitt sits at his bench, dens his skunk and feeds him a treat. 

JUDGE WANKITT
Good Morning. Welcome to family Circuit Court. You may be seated. Before we get started, I'm going to read you your rights: You have the right to incriminate yourself. You have the right to a free attorney, but only if you've done something illegal and are facing jail time and were fully aware it was illegal. So-there aren't any free attorneys for you here in family court. You have the right to tell the truth OR if you don't know the truth; to tell something similar to the best of your ability.
(organizes papers)
I have the honor to inaugurate a new attorney today, Mr. Doug Jennings.

DOUG
(strides to podium)
Your Honor. Pleasure to be in Florida and in this wild courtroom. 
It is obvious Judge Wankitt does not care for Doug.

JUDGE WANKITT
(condescending)
Is there is reason why you have a bad attitude towards my collection of this city's repossessed animals?
Doug is caught off-guard. He tries to regain his respect back.

DOUG
Oh Your Honor, I sincerely apologize. I didn't mean for my comment to be insulting.

JUDGE WANKITT
This is my soul mate, Stunkerton Wankitt Jr.. He's a hooded-skunk which makes us look identical. His sacs are in-tact! And we're black and in-tact! But you wouldn't know anything about that.
Doug, ah, utterly confused.

JUDGE WANKITT
Have you found a position here in Tampa?

DOUG
Yes--Cove & Coral Law Firm.

JUDGE WANKITT
Ah, that's an excellent firm. Don't screw it up. Please raise your right hand...

INT. DOUG'S OFFICE, COVE & CORAL LAW FIRM

SERIES OF SHOTS - ALL DIFFERENT DAYS

1. Doug writes on yellow legal pad – 3pm 2. Doug works on computer – 10pm 3. Doug flips through law books - 1pm 4. Doug struggles to stay awake, passes out with pen in-hand, his face hits the desk - 4am

BEGIN FLASHBACK SEQUENCE:
EXT. RANDOM STREET, GEORGIA – DAY

February 2010. Doug sprints down a sidewalk with his briefcase; wearing a suit and a skydiving-pack. He passes a pretty woman, loops back and jogs in-place. 

JOCELYN
Hey, why are you jogging in 80-degree weather?

DOUG
I jumped out of a plane after passing the Bar exam! Now, I'm on a quick 20- mile victory run.
Doug opens his briefcase and fills it with nearby rocks; then continues to jog in-place-not out of breath.

JOCELYN
Celebrating with a drink sounds like a lot less work.

DOUG
I don't drink! I hunt Yellowfin tuna with a spear-gun in shark-infested waters! Drinking is for little Mary-annes.

JOCELYN
What kind of lawyer are you going to be? Like...criminal or family?

DOUG
Phft. Family law-too much drama. Hopefully, I don't need one of those.

JOCELYN
Since you don't drink... Do you want to go celebrate?
INT. JOCELYN'S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS

Doug and Jocelyn get lucky under the sheets.

DOUG
One-day stands aren't my thing.

JOCELYN
You won't regret this.
SIX WEEKS LATER

April 2010. Jocelyn drops a bombshell on Doug.

DOUG
You said you were on birth control.

JOCELYN
I was! I wouldn't lie to you. I'll be a stay-at-home mom. We can get married. I'd love a Kardashian-themed wedding.

DOUG
This is a lot to take in now. I don't think getting married is a wise decision. Impulsive isn't my style.
INT. DOUG & JOCELYN'S HOUSE – SEVEN AND A HALF MONTHS LATER - DAY

November 2011. An argument is in progress. Doug and Jocelyn wear wedding rings. Gaudy furniture and baby items smother the house- price tags attached. Reese cries.

JOCELYN
My parents bought all this stuff!

DOUG
No, they didn't. I called the store. You cleaned out our savings account.

JOCELYN
If you so say so. I deserve a lot better. I want proper things for Reese.

DOUG
I can't trust you-more importantly I can't trust you with Reese: you disappear with him for days and you make poor decisions about his well-being.

JOCELYN
I haven't had a career because of you. I can't lose the baby weight because you won't buy me liposuction. I talk to you about medical school for our son-and you change the subject. I'm leaving with Reese!

BACK TO PRESENT DAY

INT. DOUG'S OFFICE - DAWN

MISS VIOLET, 30's, a Jack-in-the-Box on Prozac; enters Doug's office overwhelmingly chipper, as he sleeps at his desk. She carries a spiky bromeliad and a hot coffee. 

Miss Violet grabs a thick hardcover book and climbs a ladder above Doug. She whispers, hoping he doesn't awaken.

MISS VIOLET
Mr. Jennings... 

Doug spits out gibberish and doesn't arouse. So Miss Violet drops the book smack down on his face.

DOUG
SON OF A BISCUIT!

Doug jumps up, only to fall back over his chair. Miss Violet pinches his cheeks over the red-mark on his face with a satisfying smile. He flinches.

DOUG
There's $20 in my wallet. Take it!

He stands up. Seconds later, Miss Violet shoves the bromeliad into his face. 

MISS VIOLET
Good Morning, Mr. Jennings. I'm Miss Violet. I got this plant for you.

Doug's face welts, eyes tear. His hair is glued in place; parallel with the impact from the book.

MISS VIOLET (cont'd)
I wanted to thank you for choosing me as your paralegal.

DOUG
DID I HAVE A CHOICE IN THE MATTER?

He sits at his desk, grabs the coffee, the lid pops off, and scalding coffee shoots into his eyes. He screams.

MISS VIOLET
I do like you more than the last lawyer! My clients never smile-they get in trouble if they do.

DOUG
Your clients?

MISS VIOLET
Great news! Your P.I. found Jocelyn and served her yesterday! She was getting her nails filled when the deed was done. The summons adhered right to those wet nails of hers.

DOUG
That's fantastic news!

MISS VIOLET
Not for Dick Trigger P.I..

DOUG
I don't understand Florida people and their weird names. How many stitches did Dick Trigger P.I. need?

MISS VIOLET
Nine. ...Mik Mooney, your lawyer from the firm, told me that your gonna scoop Reese up for his 5th birthday-not sure who will be more surprised-Jocelyn or Reese. Oh Nelly!  

DOUG
Can I persuade you into using a magazine rather than a hardcover?

MISS VIOLET
(picks up book again)
Gosh, its great to be back in a healthy routine!

DOUG
F.Y.I., I don't take cream or sugar in my coffee. Lets prep for the Boris case.

Doug, in attorney-mode makes one 'clap' with his hands.

INT. REESE'S CLASSROOM - DAY

PARENTS pick up their CHILDREN. REESE gathers his items.

REESE, 5, is a witty boy who sports a food-stain on his lip. He's into fruit leathers and farts. 

REESE
Ms. Chang. I made this painting for you.
Reese hands his teacher, MS. CHANG a finger-painting.

MS. CHANG
Oh wow! Reese, that is an interesting one. I heard you make one-of-a-kind body-paintings. What part of the body did you use for this one?

REESE
My wiener.

MS. CHANG
(drops painting)
Have a great Thanksgiving break!
Jocelyn arrives and hurries to leave with Reese.

JOCELYN
Wheres your backpack and lunch box?
(receives, opens)
Ugh. Reese, you didn't eat your chicken-salad sandwich.

REESE
I don't eat chicken. I only eat the 'gifts' that come outta their butt-holes. Gimme one of their butt-hole gifts-and I'll eat that.
Jocelyn rushes Reese out of the classroom...
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
...And gets him buckled in the car.

JOCELYN
Mommy's taking you to Disneyland for your birthday.

REESE
My birthday wish is my Douglas.
Jocelyn reverses when from the inside looking out a FLORIDA COP taps on her window. Behind the officer, Doug, smiles with his court orders. Jocelyn rolls down the window.

REESE (cont'd)
(sees Doug)
DADDY! IS THAT MY DOUGLAS? MY WISH CAME TRUES! I WINS!

FLORIDA COP
Excuse me, Ms. Jennings. It looks like according to Judge Gray and the State of Georgia you are in possession of your son when Mr. Jennings is entitled to him. This court order has never been modified so its enforceable as it stands.

JOCELYN
Really Doug? I was going to give him to you.

FLORIDA COP
Well then, you wouldn't object to giving Reese to him now?

JOCELYN
...Fine.
Doug docks his smile and impatiently waits for Jocelyn to unbuckle Reese. Doug and Reese walk away-bonded like peanut butter and jam on a sandwich. 
Jocelyn fumes.

MOS MONTAGE - ALL DIFFERENT DAYS

MUSIC: LIKE S.O.B. BY NATHANIEL RATECLIFF & THE NIGHT SWEATS

-- EXT. FARMER'S MARKET ON THE COAST - DAY -- Reese sees a tank of lobsters-devastated. Doug pays the FISHERMAN. TWO BIG GUYS carry the tank away. Jubilant Doug and Reese tip the tank into the ocean and free the lobsters.

-- INT. ANIMAL SHELTER – DAY -- Doug picks out a healthy kitten. Reese shakes his head in disagreement. Reese talks to an EMPLOYEE, understanding his request. The employee brings over a screwed-up cat: Cone of shame. Shaved. Stitched were a leg, tail and ear were amputated. Doug's frightened. Reese is excited.

-- EXT. MUSIC FESTIVAL, THE SOUTH – DUSK -- On stage: Nathaniel Rateliff and The Night Sweats perform S.O.B.. Doug and Reese use bubble-machine guns. Reese is on a monkey-pack. Reese points to cotton candy. Doug offers Reese a fruit smoothie instead-Reese folds. At a face-painting booth Reese points to pink glitter paint. Doug points to blue paint. Reese points again to pink glitter paint-Doug folds. The band gets down with THOUSANDS OF ATTENDEES that play with balloons, glow toys and sparklers. Doug plops Reese up on his shoulders. They jam out. A glow stick war erupts during encore. 

END MUSIC. Doug, Reese and the attendees shout and clap.

EXT. WEEKI WACHEE SPRINGS STATE PARK, PARKING LOT – DAY

Doug pulls out the cooler from the car. Reese is antsy.

DOUG
Come eat something. And then after the swimming at the springs you need to call Mommy.

REESE
I don't want to.

DOUG
I know you don't 'want to' but it's a good habit. I bet she'd like to hear your voice-she probably misses you.

Doug hands Reese a ham sandwich. He turns his nose up to it.

REESE
What ananimal this is?

DOUG
(ashamed)
A pig. 

REESE
Serious? A cute little piggy?

Reese takes the mayo-drenched ham and slaps it onto Doug's car. Doug looks at the ham...he looks at Reese.

Doug opens his ham sandwich and slaps his ham on the car. Both slices slide down in the heat. Then, they bite into their meat-less sandwiches with passion.
EXT. WEEKI WACHEE SPRINGS STATE PARK - ONE HOUR LATER

Doug and Reese paddle-board in their aviator sunglasses. 

Reese gets out of the water, trips and whimpers.

REESE
Daddy! I need a binky-fix real bad!

Reese reveals a minor blemish on the skin. Doug inspects.

DOUG
(distracts Reese)
What's your favorite ananimal these days?

REESE
Manatees.

DOUG
Manatees are pretty cool. For your next birthday we should do something special with manatees.

REESE
That would be mother-fucking sweet.

DOUG
Reese! You can't say swear words!

REESE
But Mommy says them to her boyfriend Eli all the time. It's like...when you have the squirts and it just keeps coming...like a hose you can't turn off.

DOUG
You won't make friends talking like that. I'm not disappointed in you-but you need try harder next time.

REESE
Okay.

EXT. JOCELYN'S HOUSE – SUNDAY 5PM

Reese lopes into his house, holding a bundle of lobster elastics, ready to show-and-tell. Doug awaits at the door.

REESE
Mommy! Look what Daddy saved for me. I let lobsters go free in the sea!

JOCELYN
Ugh. That's disgusting you kept that.

Reese looks crushed. Doug redirects Reese.

DOUG
Hey Buddy, wasn't it funny when that lobster pinched my red-light zone?

REESE
Hehe. You're silly.

Jocelyn catches a glimpse of the minute bruise on Reese.

JOCELYN
Why does Reese have a giant gash? Did Daddy do that on purpose, did he?

DOUG
Knock it off Jocelyn. Reese: you should go find a special spot in your room for those elastics. I bet Eli would help you hang them. Gimme a hug and a kiss...

Reese melts into Doug. Jocelyn stares with malevolence.

REESE
Okay 'Muscle Milk'.

DOUG
Okay 'Ham-less Man-Nanimal'.

REESE
Daddy, make sure you feed our cat Cartwheel. And clean her wiener if it gets crusty-we don't want her to get cancer.

DOUG
Cancer is the least of her problems. See you for Christmas Reese's Pieces.

REESE
I love you Daddy.

Doug waits for Reese to leave the room.

DOUG
I don't know who you think you are, but do not ever imply or put it in Reese's head that I hurt him in any way.
Doug gives Jocelyn Reese's backpack of items accrued during his visit. Jocelyn looks in it, smells it and hands it back.

JOCELYN
He wears Abercrombie only-not your hippie clothes. Plus, they reek of whatever nasty stuff you put on him.

DOUG
Its Lavender oil. It calms him down because he's been anxious lately. To make things crystal-clear you will drop off Reese to me the day he gets off for Christmas break, next month.

Jocelyn, scornful, opens the door for Doug to exit.
LATER THAT NIGHT
Jocelyn watches Reese sleep as he holds the bundle of lobster elastics. With gentle ease she takes them from his hands. She walks to the kitchen and throws them in the trash without skipping a beat.

EXT. SURFING SANTAS ANNUAL EVENT, COCOA BEACH – XMAS EVE MORNING

Hundreds of costumed SURFERS paddle out and ride the waves.

Doug and his family stand by. Jocelyn arrives with Reese.

JOCELYN
(to Doug)
You need to brush his teeth. Last time he returned him he had a lot of plaque.

DOUG
Jocelyn, you are seven days late! Mediation was last week. The only reason I have held off filing modification papers is because you said you would stop interfering-and again you are doing this to me. You still haven't paid me a dime from the attorney fees-I'm broke!

JOCELYN
You said we'd meet at the mall. Its not my fault you don't listen to directions. During mediation I asked for every other holiday and summers back-you declined. Plus, Reese is spending way too much time with you anyway. 

Jocelyn leaves.

Doug writes in his journal while Reese and Doug's family members enjoy time with him.
INT. DOUG'S HOUSE – CHRISTMAS NIGHT

Doug, his family and Reese decorate the tree. Doug lifts Reese to place his bat plushie on the top. Only a handful of presents lay at the base. KNOCK at the door. Eye contact is exchanged.

Doug opens the door, not surprisingly to a HOLIDAY COP.

DOUG
Happy holidays. How can I help you?

HOLIDAY COP
Sorry for interrupting. Ms. Jennings called in another welfare-check for Reese. She was hysterical and said she hadn't heard from him in weeks.

DOUG
She's purposefully ruining my time, she knows Reese is. 

HOLIDAY COP
I hear you. May I speak with Reese, and then I'll be on my way.

DOUG
Sure thing. Reese!

Reese pops in; completely covered in tinsel.

HOLIDAY COP
Reese? Looks like you're having a good time with Dad. No fires to put out?

REESE
Oh, Daddy doesn't play with fire. He knows better.

HOLIDAY COP
Your Mom said she hasn't been able to reach you.

REESE
THAT'S BULL SHARK! My Daddy made me call her on Christmas-because its the right thing to do. It's kinda like when...I tell mommy that she looks pretty-even if she looks like a dump truck.

HOLIDAY COP
You're lucky to have such a good Dad. ...Merry Christmas Mr. Jennings.

INT. JOCELYN'S HOUSE – DAY

Reese sucks down a chocolate bar-his face is covered in it.

REESE
Mommy, have you seen my lobster elastics? I'm sad. I've lost them.

JOCELYN
No, sorry Bubba. Here, have a Red Bull. Get your suit-you're going to the pool. 

REESE
(takes soda)
I'm triple lucky today! Daddy and I are going to have so much fun on the slides.

JOCELYN
Daddy told me that he's going to buy you a cell phone during spring break.

REESE
Will it have games?

JOCELYN
Sure.
EXT. COMMUNITY POOL - 15 MINUTES LATER

Doug paces. Jocelyn's SUV pulls up. She makes no effort to help Reese. Reese gets himself out; barely able to lift his backpack.

JOCELYN
(to Doug)
Have fun with that one!

Jocelyn peels away. Doug is left with Reese who's jacked up.

REESE
Mommy said you're buying me a celly.

DOUG
A cell phone? No. I never told her that. What's weighing your bag down?

Doug unzips the backpack-its loaded with nothing but candy.

REESE
That's what she said! I want a celly! AND IF YOU DON'T BY ME A CELLY-I'M GONNA TO CALL THE COPS ON YOU!

DOUG
Go ahead. Call the cops. You don't have a phone to call them with!

Reese continues his tantrum. Doug is at his threshold.

DOUG (cont'd)
THIS IS GOING TO STOP RIGHT NOW! I HAVE THE PERFECT PUNISHMENT!
INT. KIDS INDOOR SKYDIVING TUBE - 10 MINUTES LATER

Doug's back is propped up as he cheerily works on legal paperwork; eating a peach. It's dead silent. 

PULL BACK TO REVEAL: Doug's back is propped up against a skydiving tube. Reese is in the tube, geared-up and skydiving-still throwing a tantrum, pointing at Doug. The young lad is not enjoying himself.

INT. DOUG'S KITCHEN – DAY

Doug pours a morning coffee. He's shirtless, in jeans and his back-tattoo is center stage. He's hot as shit.

Reese enters shirtless, in jeans with his chest puffed-up. Self-administered tattoos cover his body and face. He sits at the table and pours a tall glass of pure orange juice. Doug holds in his laughter. Reese picks up some legal papers and mocks Doug.

REESE
Judge, this doctor didn't Papier-Mache my friend's cast the right way and now he has wobbly bones. He owes me money!

DOUG
You are a spectacular son!
(whispers)
I could have done without last weeks...you know.

REESE
I thought we weren't going to bring that up again.

DOUG
You're right. Sorry.

Demanding KNOCK at the door. Doug has his hand on the knob when Jocelyn barges in. Reese hides just in time.

JOCELYN
It's Easter Doug.

DOUG
Darn right. My Easter with our child. You need to leave please.

JOCELYN
Did you take him to see the Easter Bunny?

REESE
(pops up excited)
I did something way cooler than the Easter Bunny-I SKYDOVED!

JOCELYN
What did you do to Reese? Doug I have tried so hard to co-parent. You leave me no choice but to file emergency papers.
(wipes tattoos)
How embarrassing. Oh, great, permanent marker!

Reese cries with guilt.

JOCELYN (cont'd)
(to Doug)
We're going to go see the Easter Bunny and celebrate the holiday the way a good parent would.

Jocelyn steals Reese and disappears.

Doug writes in his journal, holding back anger and sadness.
INT. DOUG'S CAR - LATER THAT NIGHT

Doug wears all black and a robbers mask. He unwraps a Clif bar and attempts a bite. He pulls back the mask and then bites in. He gets amp'ed up and exits the car.

EXT./INT. JOCELYN'S YARD/JOCELYN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Doug stealthy makes his way to Reese's window. Through it he stalks tattooed Reese, breathing heavy. He taps the window. Reese looks up and lets out a shriek. Doug then pulls the mask off.

REESE
(opens window)
Daddy? I thought you were a 'rapper'.

DOUG
Don't you mean a 'raper'? Never mind that. I wanted to tell you: I thought what you did today with the markers-was pretty funny.

REESE
I thought so too! -- But Mommy didn't think so.

DOUG
All that matters is that I did. Sweet dreams Buddy. Make sure you lock this.

REESE
Okay, bye Daddy!

Doug ends the night with a ninja-roll through Jocelyn's yard.

INT. JOCELYN'S HOUSE – HALLOWEEN NIGHT

Doug arrives in a unique costume as TRICK 'N TREATERS come and go. ELI, 30's, the definition of a push over, greets him.

ELI
Douggy! Do you wanna watch the game?

DOUG
Thank you, but Jocelyn told me to pick up Reese for trick 'n treating this year. Reese chose my costume.

ELI
What are you?

DOUG
I'm a Flamingo-Wombat. Reese said awesome because I get to be pink and my poop comes out in square cubes.

ELI
Reese--I love that kid! I think they already went. Honey...didn't you already take the kids treat 'n treating?

Jocelyn filters in, refusing to acknowledge Doug.

JOCELYN
Take a look in the goddamn living room Eli. What's it look like?

Doug is heartbroken. Doug and Eli peek into the
LIVING ROOM
Where LEON, Eli's kid, bounces off the walls.

LEON
DAD, WHERE'S MY FUCKING JUJUBES?! Our numb-nuts neighbor gave me a goddamn guitar-shaped chocolate! This piece of shit isn't even made in America!

Leon chucks the chocolate; whacking Eli's head.

ELI
(pulls hair out)
Leon, ever since we moved in with Jocelyn, your behaviors out of control. Happy Halloween! ENJOY YOUR FOREIGN CHOCOLATE IN HELL!

Reese spooks Doug from behind and he turns around. 

REESE
Daddy!

Doug immediately questions Reese's choice of costume.

DOUG
Who are you supposed to be?

REESE
(quick, without hesitation)
Joseph Stalin.

Doug shoots a look at Jocelyn, but replies nothing.

JOCELYN
You're the one who wanted him cultured-now he's cultured.

DOUG
(ignores, back to Reese)
Did Reese's Pieces eat Reese's Pieces?

REESE
Eli said only one serving. I knew you'd make a great Flamingo-Wombat.

DOUG
My secretary made the finishing touches. Can I use your bathroom?

Reese looks confused. Doug turns his back towards Reese, opens a butt-pocket and cubed-shaped pieces of poop drop.

REESE
(cracks up)
I'm kinda tired after treat 'n treating. Can we go to your house and watch TV?

DOUG
...Sure thing.

REESE
Bye Mommy. Love you.

From the kitchen, Jocelyn doesn't acknowledge Reese leaving.

INT. DOUG'S OFFICE - DAY

A man rummages through the office-hes checking for 'bugs'. He wears a name tag, "DICK TRIGGER P.I.". 

DICK TRIGGER P.I., 30's, is one fry short of a Happy Meal. He always gets the job done-on a fluke. He falls asleep in the sun regularly. He rocks 80's hair and some ridiculous facial hair. 

He tip-toes to the window. From his blazer he removes enormous binoculars, points them out the window and focuses in on Doug, his client, who's across the street.

He inspects a manatee-themed gift-basket that sits on the desk; a manatee plushie snug in the middle. A card reads: "Happy B-day Reese Love, Daddy". From his pocket he places a toy-like hidden camera into the gift-basket. Snorts. Quickly sits. Doug enters. 

DOUG
Ah, can I help you?

DICK TRIGGER P.I.
I'm your gummy-shoe. I just de-bugged your office. Its a free service I offer to clients.
The room is in total disarray. Dick Trigger P.I. takes a pill bottle from his blazer and eats some pills. They sit.

DOUG
I take it those are legal?

DICK TRIGGER P.I.
MELA-YEAH. Its Melatonin. I eat it on days when I'm undercover. It helps me 'get in the P.I. groove'.

DOUG
I wanted to know if you had the time to deliver this gift--
Dick Trigger P.I.'s phone rings. He gestures for Doug to wait.

DICK TRIGGER P.I.
(answers phone)
Dick Trigger P.I.. Een kat in de zak kopen (dutch). What's the gig? Typically, I upgrade that service with a Molotov cocktail.

Doug is disturbed. Andy boogies into Doug's office.

ANDY
Great news! That favor-I got it man.

DOUG
For Reese's 6th birthday? Seriously?

ANDY
You're both cleared for a day behind the scenes in the Bishop Manatee Rehabilitation Program. They just rescued two baby manatees. Reese will go crazy. ...Who's this guy?

DOUG
My highly-sought after P.I..
Doug and Andy watch Dick Trigger P.I. dose off. Dick Trigger P.I. wakes up, yawns and eats another pill.

DICK TRIGGER P.I.
Man, that dutch guy can talk. I can deliver anything you need incognito.

INT. FRONT DESK, REESE'S SCHOOL - ONE HOUR LATER
The gift-basket awaits its owner. Minutes later, Jocelyn arrives. Nosey, she reads the card. She rips the card off and pitches it in the trash. ...Reese arrives and Jocelyn presents the gift-basket as hers.
 
JOCELYN
I made this for you! Happy Birthday!

IN SLO MO: Reese smiles; receiving the gift-basket. Jocelyn's evil smile gleams. He hugs her with the manatee plushie in-hand.
EXT. REESE'S SCHOOL - LATER THAT DAY

Doug waits for Reese as FLOCKS OF KIDS fan out. Reese is a no show. Doug walks to the...
INT. FRONT DESK - CONTINUOUS
...where he looks around for assistance when he spots his hand-written card in the trash. He makes a phone call. 
EXT. A BEACH - CONTINUOUS

Reese and Leon have fun in the sun. Jocelyn takes the call but before she even speaks:

INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION - BEACH/REESE'S SCHOOL

DOUG
Where is Reese?

JOCELYN
We're at the doctors. He had to leave school because he's constipated. You know, his stools would be softer if you fed him Hamburger Helper more often.

DOUG
I will no longer be manipulated by you. 
You've had so many chances to think of Reese-and chosen not to. You leave me no choice but to file papers asking for sole custody of Reese.

JOCELYN
Go ahead. I see it's gotten you real far. Do me a favor: stop trying to make pathetic attempts to drag me back into court again. 

DOUG
You're forcing me to do something extreme I have been putting off for a long time. But I will not hold this off any longer-its not healthy for Reese.

JOCELYN
You will never find a judge that will send me to jail and take my baby away. You will never see Reese again!

DOUG
(sweat pours from face)
I know you stole my gift-basket. You ruined my special plans with him. Maybe your next push-present should be a lifetime supply of IUDs!

Doug ends the phone call.

RESUME AT BEACH

REESE
I'd like to go to Daddy's now please.
Paranoid Jocelyn clothes Reese in an old-ladies wig and a dress.

REESE (cont'd)
I don't want to wear these Mary-annes. It's too hot outside and well, because...I'm not a girl.

JOCELYN
(hands Reese Barbie)
Here, play with this Barbie.

REESE
(takes Barbie)
Daddy wouldn't be making me do this stupid stuff.

JOCELYN
He's not coming. I told you he'll always let you down and I will be the one who pulls through for you.
Reese gets in Jocelyn's face; pointing the Barbie at her.

REESE
YOU'RE A LIAR! I've watched "Locked Up" before and being with you is like being in prison-except I have a nicer pillow.

JOCELYN
Ree--

REESE
Put a bubble in your mouth Jocelyn!

JOCELYN
That's it! Leon, grab our crap! We're going to Disneyland and eating ice cream.

Leon is joyful. Reese festers.

EXT. DOUG'S STREET/POPPIE'S YARD - DAY

Jocelyn stalks Doug's neighbor POPPIE, who waters her flowers. POPPIE'S DAUGHTER pedals away on her bike. Jocelyn moves in.

JOCELYN
(southern accent)
Darling, you can't let your child roam this neighborhood! I just had brunch with the PTA mothers and they said your neighbor, Doug is doing the Florida-Nasty -- with children.

POPPIE
That can't be. Doug told me he has a son. But...come to think of it, I've never seen his son before. Hmm, that is suspicious.

JOCELYN
I wouldn't be surprised if a minor just ran out of his house buck-naked. ...The rumor gets worse.
(inches closer)
Doug is a 'penis-popper'!

POPPIE
What's a 'penis-popper'?

JOCELYN
A 'penis-popper' is this: Imagine Doug's penis is a compass and your child's eye-is North and POP! Your child gets a black eye! 

POPPIE
Oh dear! Is that why little Melissa down the block has a black eye? Did Doug pop her too?

JOCELYN
Yep. I heard the force of Doug's penis makes eyes pop right outta their sockets!

Jocelyn pops her cheek. Poppie takes off in search of her daughter. Jocelyn puts on her glitzy sunglasses and smiles.
EXT. ATM MACHINE - TWO WEEKS LATER - DAY
Doug leisurely inserts his card. His hand expects cash but instead a receipt spits out reading: "Insufficient Funds:
$-63,000.00".

DOUG
Jocelyn.
INT. MIK MOONEY'S OFFICE - THAT DAY
Panicked Doug enters MIK MOONEY'S office with some papers.

DOUG
Mik, my account is $-63,000. I just got mail today saying that the State of Florida has already levied my bank account because Jocelyn filed a claim stating I've never paid child support!

MIK MOONEY
In your situation, its illegal to freeze your account. But the Department of Revenue is notorious for withdrawing funds without notice-and they will over-withdraw your account-they don't care.

DOUG
And-Georgia and Florida are garnishing my wages to pay her! Ha!

MIK MOONEY
Its also illegal for two states to garnish wages at the same time.

DOUG
You don't seem too phased by this. You're my attorney-help me out man!

MIK MOONEY
The state Attorney General and child support enforcement agencies represent custodial parents-overwhelmingly mothers. They do this free of charge in child support cases. Then the non-custodial parent, like yourself, who are now penniless, have to hire their own lawyers to fight the false claim.

DOUG
I've lost my savings, my wages and the little chance of getting to see my son because of a scandal?
Mik's office-phone rings, he answers it and then turns on the TV. They watch as a newscaster, HANNAH BOOTAYE, appears:

HANNAH BOOTAYE
...I'm Hannah Bootaye for FLT News. A Tampa rumor is picking up some news-worthy attention. Doug Jennings, (age), a Georgia-transplanted attorney is being accused of fondling children. Police are unsure how the accusations started but are launching a criminal investigation into Mr. Jennings, who the local residents call the Penis-Popper; who's signature move is popping the eyes of children--with his penis.
Doug's mouth and papers drop. He inches towards the TV. We now follow Hannah Bootaye live at the...
EXT. CITY COURTYARD - CONTINUOUS

...where she interviews a MOTHER and her pitiful-looking DAUGHTER, 9, who has one eye. Behind is a PICKETING CROWD.

HANNAH BOOTAYE
This Georgia woman claims the rumors are true. She says she had a sexual relationship with the Penis-Popper during her first trimester in 2008. When she gave birth to her baby girl-she was born without an eye.

MOTHER
(into the mic)
I can't believe that Doug Jennings had to go as far as abusing the fetus in my womb and penis popping her over, and over, and over again. That assault forced my daughter to lose her eye. During my delivery doctors found a calcified eyeball attached to my uterus.

The daughter raises a calcified eyeball in formaldehyde.

GEORGIA MOTHER
(takes the jar)
If you compare them, you can tell it was my daughter's because they look like an actual pair of eyeballs. This predator needs to be brought to justice!

HANNAH BOOTAYE
It looks like the Penis-Popper has 'popped' another innocent victim.
A picketing person gifts Hannah Bootaye an eye patch. She puts it on. Embroidered it reads: "DON'T EYE ME".

HANNAH BOOTAYE (cont'd)
Oh, wait there goes my eye. Just kidding. It's still there-for now. Doug if you're watching this, thank gosh my address is unlisted. People are now calling this the top "Florida Man" story in existence. I think this ones going to be hard beat. This is Hannah Bootaye. Good day Tampa.
RESUME BACK AT MIK MOONEY'S OFFICE

MIK MOONEY
Yeah, you're fired for sure.

INT. JUDGE WANKITT'S COURTROOM - ONE WEEK LATER - DAY
Doug advances to the podium-alone. Jocelyn glides past him.
Papers are being passed back and forth at Jocelyn's table. Quiet activity. Doug looks behind him-only to receive a few nasty looks.

JUDGE WANKITT
Mr. Jennings, I wasn't expecting to see you in my courtroom as a Pro Se Petitioner for a child custody case.

DOUG
I wasn't excepting that either Your Honor. But, I also wasn't expecting to be wrongfully accused of despicable perverted acts either.

JUDGE WANKITT
Its my understanding you were terminated, Mr. Mooney has withdrawn and you are penniless. Not surprised. My father choose a similar path.
Doug, flabbergasted. He absorbs this and searches for words.

DOUG
Um, I'm sorry the relationship was strained. ...The firm didn't want to be scrutinized in connection with the false accusations I'm being implicated of. My reputations tarnished. I can't find work. I'm still due attorney fees. The Child Support Unit has taken my savings. Everyone has declined to represent me. At least the state didn't levy my house!

JUDGE WANKITT
That does pose an issue for you. I would hate for this custody dispute to be delayed. Mothers are courageous people and deserve the up most respect.
The court doors open and Herman peeks his head in.

HERMAN
Oh, sorry...I wasn't looking for animal court. Do you know where the coroner's office is? My only living client just died.
Doug looks up to the heavens, shuts his eyes.

JUDGE WANKITT
(come thither)
Oh, are you in need of a new client?
Herman steps in and looks over at a familiar face.

HERMAN
Oh no! Mr. Jennings' needs a family lawyer and I don't do that anymore. Mister Chief Justice, I mean Your Honor, I'm in a new field of law that allows me to work behind the scenes.

JUDGE WANKITT
So you know each other? If you have no clients, how will you keep afloat?

HERMAN
I've downsized and live in my office. 

JUDGE WANKITT
Really? Mr. Jennings, you could use your house as temporary collateral. 

DOUG
Is that a legitimate proposal?

MS. ROACH
Mr. Jennings, you have a perfectly capable lawyer right here.

DOUG
Your Honor, Mr. Porter had a...mishap in court recently and I certainly don't want to force him into an environment that induces additional stress.

HERMAN
Thank you Mr. Jennings.

JUDGE WANKITT
A formal consultation at his office would be appropriate. If its not a good fit you can always play Russian Roulette as Pro Se. We're done here.
Jocelyn smirks at Doug as she exits. Herman whispers under his breathe to Judge Wankitt:

HERMAN
I hate this stupid squirrel-infested courtroom.
INT. HERMAN'S LAW OFFICE – DAY

Herman consults with MS. HESSY, a lady so old she farts dust. He checks his watch constantly. When the clock hits that time, he races to gather his papers and puts them into a water-tight bag.

HERMAN
Just a moment Ms. Hessy. I do apologize for this brief delay.
Herman strategically places half-a-dozen buckets. He helps Ms. Hessy with a rain poncho. He sits, eyes hooked on his watch:

HERMAN (cont'd)
Three, two, one...

Out of nowhere giant streams of water surge from the ceiling and into the buckets. The buckets fill. And then the water stops.

MS. HESSY
Mr. Porter, is this normal for water to flood your office?

Herman grabs a pitcher, dips it in a bucket and pours Ms. Hessy a fresh, chilled glass of ceiling water.

MS. HESSY (cont'd)
(takes glass)
Thank you, Mr. Porter, but I like filtered water. Do you have any?

HERMAN
Recently, a bathtub company leased this building. The floors above are responsible for structural testing on bathtubs. Its common for bathtubs to collapse and drain water into the lower floors.

Herman arches his back to pick up the hefty bucket on his desk and dumps it out the two-story window.
EXT. HERMAN'S LAW OFFICE - SIMULTANEOUSLY

Doug walks the ramp. Suddenly, he's caught in a downpour from two-stories up. From above, he sees a pair of hands tapping an empty bucket a couple times.
INT. CORRIDOR, HERMAN'S BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

Doug, sopping wet, straightens his suit. A succession of water  trickles down the stairs. As he advances up his shoes slosh. He holds the railing in attempt to not fall.

Doug meets up with a door that reads: "HERMAN PORTER: POST-FUNERAL INJURY ATTORNEY AT LAW". He reads it out loud, perturbed.
WAITING ROOM

Doug enters, and immediately heads for the coffee machine-its real fancy. He struggles to understand it. He puts a cup under it, presses a button and the machine verbalizes in Japanese. He punches the machine-which makes it work, but pours only water into his cup. Herman and Ms. Hessy enter.

HERMAN
Goodbye Ms. Hessy.
Ms. Hessy exits.

HERMAN (cont'd)
Why on earth are you all wet?

DOUG
Are you out of coffee?

HERMAN
No.
Ms. Hessy yelps from the stairs (O.S.).

HERMAN (cont'd)
Did you hear a yelp?

DOUG
Nope! Where's your coffee?

HERMAN
I don't have coffee.

DOUG
I thought you said you're not out of coffee.

HERMAN
No, I'm not out because I don't have any.

DOUG
So, I can't make a cup of coffee?

HERMAN
No, you can't because this isn't a coffee maker. Its a Kangen machine. These puppies filter and produce ionized alkaline and acidic waters through electrolysis. Its the real Liquid Sunshine.

DOUG
I suppose you'd object to me drinking water from the tap.
Herman, oh he did not just say that.

DOUG
I'm getting the feeling that this consultation is going to be focused on you.
HERMAN'S LAW OFFICE 

Doug sits, taking notice of a legal scales of justice with heaps of carob. Herman dumps the remaining buckets out the window. Ms. Hessy YELPS. Doug is floored.

DOUG
Herman, have you always--

HERMAN
Wait! I must load up on carob. Your questions touch upon sensitive material.

Herman eats carob, braces himself and nods. They fire away.

DOUG
I take it you haven't always been a 'post-funeral injury attorney'?

HERMAN
No. I used to be a family attorney and then a maple syrup attorney and then, the rare family-maple-syrup attorney.

DOUG
You used to be a maple syrup attorney in Florida?

HERMAN
No. Canada.

DOUG
So you were born in Canada?

HERMAN
No. Florida.

DOUG
So, you grew up in Florida?

HERMAN
No. Canada.

DOUG
So, you started practicing law in Florida?

HERMAN
No. Canada.

Herman finally exhales loudly. He will live another day.

DOUG
Can't believe I'm asking this. What is a post-funeral injury lawyer?

HERMAN
I provide legal services to deceased clients by making various claims and defenses if they are injured physically or psychologically, as a result of negligence or harm.

DOUG
Can you give me specifics?

HERMAN
Accidental corpse dismemberment, unruly pallbearers mishandling the casket. Sometimes a eulogy or Shiva gets out of hand and I have to file a lawsuit against the attendees. Mortician slips with the knife. An embalmer over-embalms. It makes my clients furious--

DOUG
Do you do estates, trusts or assets?

HERMAN
Oh no. That would mean going to court for trials! Post-funeral injury law requires very little confrontation. My clients are dead so the cases are settled without going to trial.

DOUG
Do you have a pen? Mine washed away.

HERMAN
No. Its not a good idea to have sharp objects lying around. That's why my last paralegal isn't with us.

DOUG
Because they didn't have anything to write with? Imagine that.

HERMAN
No, because he literally isn't with us anymore. I unintentionally murdered him. ...It's a shame he didn't request my services, I could have really helped him.

DOUG
Herman, I don't see how this client-attorney relationship would work in either of our favors. Let's recap: You probably would miss court because you are often in jail yourself. You don't like to get in arguments. And you don't like going to court.

HERMAN
I'll never find comfort working in a courtroom again but Judge Wankitt is forcing me to retain you. Nobody wants to represent you because you pop-off people. You know courts don't take people seriously who are Pro Se.

DOUG
(reality sinks in)
You're right. I can't believe this is my life. Herman, please retain me as your only living client?

HERMAN
I'll try my best. Let's wing-it--

DOUG
No, I don't want to wing-it. I hope you didn't learn that in law school. I'll send you my files. I have a hearing in two weeks.

HERMAN
I'll be there Doug.
INT. HERMAN'S CAR (MOVING) – DAY 

Herman drives. His phone rings; but he's distracted with his stockpile of vitamins and misses the call. Herman then calls Doug.

HERMAN
Doug, did you just call me?

INTERCUT – PHONE CONVERSATION - HERMAN'S CAR/TAMPA COURTHOUSE 

DOUG
No.

HERMAN
Oh. ...Must have been a cock-dial.

DOUG
A 'cock-dial'?

HERMAN
That cliché thing that happens to lawyers. When you're promptly walking to court and your schlong whacks your pant pocket where your phone is located and it places a cock-call.

DOUG
I've been a lawyer for 15 years and I'm cock-dial free.

HERMAN
(uncontrollable giggling)
Your schlong must be very tiny.

DOUG
Are you almost here for my hearing?

HERMAN
I've been circling the rotary for 20 minutes. I can't seem to leave it because I know it will take me to a courtroom. Maybe if I engage the accelerator more forcefully it will release my fears.

DOUG
No--Herman--don't engage--

Herman hits the gas forcefully. The acceleration STARTLES him. He car T-bones another car entering the rotary; torquing his front doors and breaking the windows.

Herman regains consciousness and gets back on the phone.

HERMAN
I-I think...I literally startled the shit out of myself. Be there in five.
EXT. TAMPA COURTHOUSE REAR PARKING LOT – FIVE MINUTES LATER

Herman's injured car pulls into an empty parking space. He tries the doors-they don't open. Parched. Overheating. He turns on his Kangen machine with portable battery. He makes a green-food drink, takes a sip and places it on the car's roof. He brushes the shards of glass off his crappy, holey briefcase and exits via window. Accidentally, he drops his briefcase onto the pavement, it cracks open, releasing his legal papers into the air. Once again, he attempts to maneuver out of the window, grabs the roof and the drink spills down his shirt. He glances at his briefcase-two baggies of carob chips lie untouched. Suddenly, a rare tropical bird flies down and pecks at his carob.

HERMAN
Oh no, not my carob, you...you stupid dinosaur.

Finally, Herman reaches the pavement. He bends down for his items and his pants split down the butt seam; exposing a glimmer of a testicle as TWO PATRONS pass by. Herman turns his back towards his car. As they evacuate the area, he sells himself:

HERMAN (cont'd)
It's not indecent exposure unless you see a pair of sexual organs. Just the one doesn't count! Herman Porter: post-funeral injury lawyer. EVERYONE DIES AT SOME POINT!

Herman gathers the one pecked baggie, the remaining papers and briefcase. Another baggie of carob lies melted on the pavement. He picks it up, the thin plastic dissolves and carob covers his hand. Checks his watch. Panics and wipes the carob on his butt. 

HERMAN (cont'd)
I don't like confrontation. I don't like confrontation...

Herman shuffles through the lot, looking for an unlocked car. He tries a car-the alarm sounds; which STARTLES him and he head-butts the side-mirror. It dangles. He tries another car-the alarm sounds; which STARTLES him and he rips off the windshield-wiper. He runs from the alarms. Soiled. Testicle air-ing out. Every movement-carob leaks. He tries another car-it opens. He gets in...
INT. SOME SUV (NOT MOVING) - CONTINUOUS

... in the front seat. Through the rear-view mirror he sees a suit in a dry cleaners bag, a pair of loafers and a girls backpack with the name 'Gabriela'. He changes into the ensemble-both of which are too big. He transfers his items into the girls backpack and discards his briefcase out the window. Moving back up to the front, he snags the backpack and the trail of carob continues. Checks his watch. In a frenzy...

HERMAN
It's not shoplifting-until you leave the store. It's not stealing a car-until you leave the parking lot.
EXT. SUV/TAMPA COURTHOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Herman opens the middle console ("Oh, keys!") He turns on the SUV, reverses and tires-over his briefcase. He speeds to the front where Doug awaits; pulling up over the curb.

DOUG
You good? Do you have my filings?

HERMAN
We can always improvise. ...This
is my car you know. I'm established.
INT. SECURITY CHECKPOINT – MINUTES LATER

Herman steps irregularly to the metal detector line. Doug follows behind, cautiously examining Herman's wardrobe.

Letica sees Herman and alerts her co-employees.

LETICA
Herman's two shakes of a lamb's tail away!
(to people in-line)
May I have everyone's attention...

Doug passes through the metal detectors with no issues. When Herman passes through his over-sized loafer catches on the carpet and sends him flying into Doug with the alarm sounding off. It STARTLES Herman and he makes an obscene jerking-off gesture-more carob falls out. Doug is mortified.
JUDGE WANKITT'S COURTROOM

Doug opens the door for Herman who, again, trips at the door jam-more carob falls out. PEOPLE IN BENCHES watch. BAILIFFS, DELASANDRO AND LIPPENCOT help Herman up.

HERMAN
You guys really need to fix that door. It opens the wrong way. IT COULD HAVE KILLED MY ONLY LIVING CLIENT!

(Legally doors in Florida must open outwards.) Doug and Herman sit; taking notice of the opposition seated across the room; Jocelyn and Ms. Roach. Herman whispers to Doug:

HERMAN (cont'd)
Regardless of my Jumping Frenchman of Maine, I do my best legal work on Wednesdays.

DOUG
That would have been perfect if my court date was yesterday!

The Courtroom Clerk enters with Judge Wankitt trailing behind; who's holds the skunk.

COURTROOM CLERK
All rise. The Honorable Judge Rick Wankitt presiding. This Court is now in session.

Everyone rises, excluding a man in a wheelchair, STUMPY MAN; who has no legs or arms. Everyone then takes their seats.

JUDGE WANKITT
I see someone mocking me and this courtroom. Excuse me, young man.
(gestures to Stumpy Man)
We're going to have a crucial conversation.

STUMPY MAN
W-Who me? Yes, of course Your Honor.
Stumpy Man's HELPER wheels him to the front. Judge Wankitt brandishes his wooden club. Stumpy Man gulps hard.

JUDGE WANKITT
When I walk into this courtroom and the clerk states 'all rise', it isn't because we're in a bread making class.

STUMPY MAN
Yes sir, Your Honor. I-I understand.

JUDGE WANKITT
Alright. I'll walk back into my chambers and we'll do it again, this time-the right way.

Judge Wankitt and the Courtroom Clerk retreat. Then, re-enter.

COURTROOM CLERK
All rise, the Honorable Judge Rick Wankitt presiding. This court is now in session.

Stumpy Man tries desperately to stand up. He puts so much effort in it that his stump-body falls out of the wheelchair. Even then, he violently thrashes on the floor to try and stand.

JUDGE WANKITT
You bring disgrace to his court! Bailiffs Delasandro and Lippencot, get this man out of my sight!

The two bailiffs grab Stumpy Man and carry him towards the window. They swing him back and forth until the momentum builds and throw him the the window. Doug says to Herman:

DOUG
Is he your next client?

Judge Wankitt is in session with Doug, Herman, Jocelyn and Ms. Roach. Each parties entourage sits behind, on edge.

JUDGE WANKITT
Mr. Porter and Ms. Roach, I was hoping for a custodial settlement during this pre-trial conference today. It appears that isn't going to be possible.

HERMAN
Ms. Jennings has been served, acquired legal representation and gone through mediation yet still thumbs her nose at the Court's orders. Because of her non-compliance Mr. Jennings is requesting to become the sole custodial parent. 

JUDGE WANKITT
Ms. Jennings, I strongly urge you to settle. This could potentially mean you losing rights to your son. 

Jocelyn turns back at her parents. They raise their noses.

JOCELYN
I need start thinking about my happiness and not Doug's.

JUDGE WANKITT
Attorney fees will hit the $250,000 mark. Let me remind you the losing parent will be ordered to pay that.

Judge Wankitt stands, leans in and taps his wooden club, assaulting Doug with a look that instantly castrates him:

JUDGE WANKITT
(domineering, agitated)
Mr. Jennings do you need more time to digest this decision? A trial will be a horrible ordeal for everyone involved-especially for Reese.

Doug becomes cool as a cucumber with complete certainty. 

DOUG
Yes, Your Honor. I'm ready to regain my son back.

JUDGE WANKITT
Alright. It's unfortunate its come to this. 
(looks through calendar)
I am setting the trial for March 28th.

Jocelyn's parents immediately start to argue with Ms. Roach.

Herman and Doug, only remaining are approached by OFFICER HERNANDEZ and OFFICER FINCH.

OFFICER HERNANDEZ
Herman, someone has lodged another complaint. 

HERMAN
I can explain. I was milking her, she tickled me and I bruised her nipple--

OFFICER HERNANDEZ
No--Herman, its regarding some theft.

Doug's displays a hand-up to interject, when Herman puts his hand up-a hand barely visible due to the excess fabric.

HERMAN
What evidence could you possibly have that connects me
(hints that Doug did it)
...or my client?

OFFICER FINCH
We found your court papers in the bushes. You are the only funeral law attorney in the country.

OFFICER HERNANDEZ
And, the prosecutor says his daughter, Gabriela is missing her backpack.
Everyone angles to the table; leaned up against it is a girls backpack with the name 'Gabriela'; accompanied with a few carob morsels on the floor.

HERMAN
Shit.
INT. IN-TAKE/OUT-TAKE AREA, ORIENT ROAD JAIL – THAT NIGHT

There's a quick flash of Herman getting his mugshot.

Doug hands a JAIL WORKER his cash. He sits. On the TV he watches: 

HANNAH BOOTAYE
Herman Porter, (age), a Florida attorney was arrested today at the Tampa County Courthouse for stealing a prosecutor's backpack and SUV. Mr. Porter was found by what was first thought to be a runny trail of excrement, which was later confirmed to be melted dairy-free chocolate chips. When police reached the scene of the theft-a rare endangered bird was found dead. The funeral law attorney is currently defending the well-known, Penis-Popper, Doug Jennings who...

Doug folds over in his chair.

Herman bonds out, saying his goodbyes to SAM and JIMMY:

HERMAN
Sam, happy bleated birthday-I thought I'd be here for it.
(moves on)
Jimmy, I'm sorry to hear about your father-let me know if he needs legal representation.

Herman locks eyes with Doug and takes the enthusiasm down. They walk out into the
EXT. ORIENT ROAD JAIL PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS

Doug and Herman pause at Doug's car. Doug reads off the tickets:

DOUG
Leaving the Scene of an Accident, Causing Bodily Harm to Another, Damage to a Vehicle-that one you have two of, Careless Driving, Incident Exposure, Grand Theft Auto, littering and animal cruelty.

HERMAN
Wait a second, that's not accurate.

Herman grabs the pile of tickets; zeroed-in on the one charge.

HERMAN (cont'd)
But I only exposed one testicle! It's not a legitimate charge unless you show both balls. Its in the Florida statues. I gotta ask Hernandez about redacting this one.

DOUG
I think attorneys are supposed to bail out the clients—not the other way around. ...That was the last of my cash--its for your retainer! 

HERMAN
Don't worry. I'll give you credit for your ongoing legal fees with me.

To humor himself, Doug makes a fist which STARTLES Herman; his body and legs stiffen and he hits the pavement like a 2x4.

Beat. Doug pokes Herman and he un-stiffens.

HERMAN (cont'd)
Now you know what scared-stiff means. I-I'm stressed. Reese's case is very problematic. Dead people live way less complicated lives. 

Herman pouts and closes his eyes.

DOUG
(half in car)
What are you doing?

Herman opens one eye to look through-and then closes it. Doug rubs his temples to fight through the headache.

HERMAN
Well, I see dogs doing this when they're in trouble. It always seems to work for them. Thought I'd try it.

DOUG
Get in the car Dogus. You can crash at my place tonight. I'm afraid if you continue to sleep in your office, you'll catch pneumonia.
INT. DOUG'S CAR (MOVING) - CONTINUOUS

While driving, Doug shows regret from the squabble with Herman. He breaks the ice to smooth things over. 

DOUG
You seemed very discouraged when you were talking to the...Rabbi.

HERMAN
You heard that? I've been arguing with that Jewish nod for years.
(beat)
The Rabbi can't make my Kangen machine kosher-certified. Rules say only a blessing. We've had a tumultuous relationship since I was young. It stems from the first time I can remember being startled and having no control over my body's response.

DOUG
Can I ask what sparked the bad blood?

HERMAN
I was seven...

FLASHBACK:
EXT. HERMAN'S CHILDHOOD HOME, CANADIAN FORREST – DAY

Herman and his family are LUMBERJACKS. The RABBI and KOSHER SUPERVISOR visit them. They surround a cow to slaughter. The Rabbi makes religious gestures. The Kosher Supervisor takes out a knife behind Herman. Herman is STARTLED, grabs the knife and stabs the cow repeatedly. Herman screams, the cow fatally moo's.

BACK TO SCENE

HERMAN
I was exiled from the Jewish community. My disorder is isolating and I struggle fitting in-especially after losing my last case. I'm afraid to go through a trial where everyone shunned me and my disorder.

DOUG
I'm sorry I was hard on you. Every attorney loses cases-is part of the hustle. Somehow, we will face your inner demons together and you'll bounce back. Maybe when we make it to trial-you'll be thanking Judge Wankitt.
INT. DOUG'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Doug and Herman enter the beach-styled house, exhausted.

HERMAN
This is a nice place.

DOUG
The windows stick and the doors are creaky but I'll remodel. My neighbor Poppie likes me.
(gestures to Reese's room)
I'm going to wrap up discovery material. But, you should get some rest.

HERMAN
We could tag-team it in half the time?

DOUG
Sure thing. That would be helpful.
HOURS LATER

Doug and Herman work together with stacks of paperwork.

DOUG
Herman, I pay Jocelyn $1,200 a month in child support-to not see my kid.

HERMAN
There's a lot of emphasis on enforcing and not enough focus on getting non-custodial parents involved in their kid's lives. States seem content to place your rights in Jocelyn’s hands.

DOUG
I see you've put in your 10,000 hours.

HERMAN
I have a photographic memory. However, I couldn't tell you what day of the week it is.

DOUG
It's Friday Herman.

HERMAN
Okay, good to know.
EXT. DOUG'S DRIVEWAY - THE NEXT MORNING

Doug bends down for the morning paper. He talks on the phone.

DOUG
I let Herman borrow my car. No, I haven't eaten weed gummies. We're working here because everything gets saturated at his office.

Eli pulls into Doug's driveway in Jocelyn's SUV.

DOUG (cont'd)
Dad, sorry, let me call you back.

ELI
(to Doug)
Reese begged me to take him to you instead of school.

Eli gets Reese out of the car who thanks Eli with a hug.

REESE
I'm here early for spring break. Can I go finger-paint inside?

Reese skips into the house. Poppie enters her yard to water.

DOUG
I hope you don't get in trouble Eli.

ELI
Jocelyn's sucking the marrow out of me man. She spent my paycheck on VIP tickets to Disneyland-even though we've been there 4,000 times! If I'm dragged into, 'It's a Small World After All' one more time, I'LL TAKE A GARROTE TO ALL THOSE PUPPET-FUCKERS!

Poppie momentarily stops watering her flowers.

DOUG
I appreciate the extra time. Thank you.

ELI
I have to go. She tracks my phone.

Eli waves goodbye and drives away.

DOUG
Poppie! Did you see? My sons here for spring break.

Suddenly, Reese springs out from the house, naked and covered in finger-paint around his groin area (Poppie's flowers cover his private bits).

REESE
Douglas, are you going to come
in here and play with me or what?

POPPIE
(to Doug)
Johnny Raunchy indeed!

Poppie sprays Doug with the watering hose and retreats.

REESE
Daddy, nobody likes you in this city.

DOUG
Maybe that will be different tomorrow.

REESE
Nope. I don't think so.
LATER THAT DAY

Reese mans his lemonade stand. Doug helps Reese with the sign, it reads: "FREE LEMONADE WITH LEGAL ADVICE". Herman pulls into the driveway and visits them.

HERMAN
You must be Reese. I'm your Daddy's lawyer, Herman.

Herman extends a hand to shake. Reese stares with intimidation.

HERMAN (cont'd)
I see you used a sugar-substitute. Can I have some lemonade?

Stone-cold Reese hands him the lemonade. Herman drinks it.

REESE
That will be $25.

HERMAN
I thought the lemonade was free?

REESE
The lemonade is free, the advice isn't. You already drank the lemonade, so you owe me $25 bucks.

Herman sweats bullets and assembles money to pay the bill.

HERMAN
I have four one's and eighty-cents. I'll have to pay you the rest later.

REESE
I don't take I-Owe-Ya's and I need all of the money before I give you any legal talk.

Herman hands Reese the four one's and puts the eighty-cents back in his pocket-with a smirk. Doug giggles.

HERMAN
(to Doug)
Did you put this jag-bert up to this?

DOUG
I promise. I didn't. He'll warm up to you.

HERMAN
(to Reese)
Did you use a water filtration system for that lemonade?

REESE
No. Why?

HERMAN
(humorless)
Well, that explains why your lemonade stressed me out and tastes like shit.

REESE
If you need to buy legal talk from me, I'm not giving you money-off because I know you.

HERMAN
Spoken like a true lawyer.

REESE
Daddy, I'm kinda hungry.
EXT. DOUG'S CAR (MOVING) – FIVE MINUTES LATER
Doug, Herman and Reese, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed cruise.

REESE
Hey, I have a question about something I heard. What does it mean to be F'ed in your B'?

HERMAN
It means you end up with chocolate pudding.

REESE
I love chocolate pudding! Can I go get 
F'ed in my B'?

DOUG
HERMAN! Reese, could you wear Daddy's earmuffs for a second?

Reese looks through Herman's forgotten items.

REESE
I don't see the earmuffs. Oh wait...
I found something better.

Reese breaks the tops off two asparagus spears and sticks them in his ears. He chills in the back while they have an adult-convo.

DOUG
I swear there's two kids and one adult in this car.

HERMAN
I don't know how to talk to kids.

DOUG
Kind of funny you chose family law?

HERMAN
I wanted to help families find common ground because having a family unit means wealth in your life. I had hoped people are sensitive to my disorder as I'm sensitive to their emotional ties to their family.

DOUG
That's very noble. Maybe one day you'll have a kid as cool as Reese.

HERMAN
I want to have kids but I worry that I'll punch their lights out.

They pull into the store's parking lot.
INT. DELI – FIVE MINUTES LATER

It's sample time. Doug, Herman and Reese stroll the aisles.

A MEAT SLICER GUY asks Doug:

MEAT SLICER GUY
Would you like to try a sample?

Doug drools but, Reese is too close for comfort.

DOUG
You know what Buddy: go explore.

REESE
What are you going to do?

DOUG
Daddy is going to...to--

HERMAN
He's going to buy Mommy a disposable menstruating cup.
(looks at Doug)
I couldn't think of anything else.

Doug, what the hell. Reese ventures off. Doug, now can say:

DOUG
Okay, hit me up with every sample.

Doug scarfs down the meat, when Reese appears unexpectedly.

REESE
What are you doing?

DOUG
Um...I'm trying some meat-free sausages. They are so bobo (Florida slang).

Reese chuckles. Doug, Herman and Reese meander into the
BAKERY

An INNOCENT BAKERY GIRL, serving samples, asks Herman:

INNOCENT BAKERY GIRL
Excuse me sir. Would you like to try one of our specialty -(distracted)- muffins?

HERMAN
(eats the sample)
This is the best muffin I've ever had! I feel fantastic!

INNOCENT BAKERY GIRL
If you want me to box up those maple syrup muffins-just let me know.

HERMAN
(swallows last of muffin)
Maple Syrup?

INNOCENT BAKERY GIRL
Yeah, that was a maple syrup muffin. Is something wrong?

HERMAN
I thought you said it's a mameyito muffin—a mameyito muffin.

INNOCENT BAKERY GIRL
What the fuck is a mameyito?

HERMAN
It's a tropical fruit similar to a mangosteen, native to central America. Are you trying to kill me? DID CANADA PUT YOU UP TO THIS?!

Herman is heated. Doug rushes to his aid to defuse.

DOUG
Herman, what's wrong?

HERMAN
Nothing, other than this girls a CANADIAN SUGAR-SPY HIRED BY THE PRIME MINISTER!
(to Innocent Bakery Girl)
Her main objective is to kill me because she's obviously a BAKERY TERRORIST!

DOUG
(to Innocent Bakery Girl)
Sorry, he's very allergic to...gluten and anything that has taste.

REESE
(shouts to shoppers)
Its okay you bakery terrorists! He's just having a ghelrgic reaction!

DOUG
(sympathetic)
You still with me?

HERMAN
Its a miracle I only ate two bites. I'll call my doctor right away. I don't think it will metastasize because I caught it in the early-stages.

DOUG
Its all over. Let's go drink some Kangen water.
Herman nods.
EXT. DELI'S PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS

Doug, Herman and Reese exit the store. Reese holds Herman's hand lovingly. Jocelyn's car intercepts them, blocking traffic. Scolded Eli sits in the car. Jocelyn rips Reese from Herman's grip. CUSTOMERS stop to observe the feud.

DOUG
(calm)
Jocelyn, I beg you, let me bond with our son. If there was one wish I would ask--

JOCELYN
Fuck off! I decide his future. Everyone's constantly saying what a brilliant mother I am. I have never made any mistakes with my child and I'm not going to change now!
Reese is scared and can't breathe. 

DOUG
Jocelyn. Look at what your behavior is doing-hes hyperventilating.

Jocelyn shoves him in the car and speeds off.

EXT. DOUG'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

Stapled fliers line the trees along the roads. The fliers showcase a picture of Doug, it reads: "THE PENIS-POPPER NEEDS A CHILD-GIVE HIM HIS SON".
EXT. HERMAN'S LAW OFFICE PARKING LOT - THAT DAY

Doug and Herman sit in the car. Bewildered Doug holds the flier.

HERMAN
I thought getting the word out that your ex-wife is harboring your son would help you with the way the neighborhood views you.

DOUG
I'm going to a padded room, I swear. -- Lets just go get my journal you left here.
INT. LIVING QUARTERS, HERMAN'S LAW OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Herman's make-shift apartment is sparse. An unorganized mess of a bright yellow waxy substance clutters the kitchen table area.

DOUG
What's this stuff?

HERMAN
I was making a beeswax mold.
Herman puts a folder of papers, vitamins and some other items in a box. He reaches for his forgotten Zippo on the counter.

HERMAN (cont'd)
Doug, watch this cool magic trick.
Herman follows through with a truly remarkable magic trick.

DOUG
Hands down-I'm impressed! No offense-I thought you were going to start a fire.
Doug bumps into the table and the heavy, giant beeswax mold hits the floor-thunk. It STARTLES Herman, he flings the lit Zippo onto the counter and a fire kicks off.

DOUG (cont'd)
Mother to Cree! Put the fire out!

HERMAN
(checks watch)
Don't worry, the water pours down in like 15 seconds.
They wait fifteen-seconds as it burns. No water pours down.

HERMAN (cont'd)
Shit! They must have had a good batch of bathtubs. 

DOUG
Dude-like pour some freaking O.J. on it!

HERMAN
Calm down. I know how to put a fire out, its called a grease-fire. You pour grease on it.
Herman squats to pick up the beeswax mold and hurls it into the fire which spontaneously combusts into a fireball. It scorches them. They grab the box, Kangen machine and briefcase and flee. 
EXT. DOUG'S CAR (MOVING) - CONTINUOUS
Hearts racing, Herman and Doug speed off. Their clothes smoke. Herman opens the folder of papers. On top is a Japanese pamphlet.

HERMAN
Hey, my Kangen machine manual! It only took me nine hours to translate this puppy from Japanese to English.

Herman thumbs through-there is no journal. He grimaces.

DOUG
Are you telling me my journal is incinerated because someone in this car SEEMS TO THINK THAT GREASE STABILIZERS A FIRE?!
(ponders, panics)
Maybe Andy has some insight. His dojos a couple miles away. What day is it?
Herman looks at Doug with a pouty lip.

DOUG
Oh wait, never mind.

HERMAN
I still got my lucky briefcase! Maybe there's something of value in it.

Herman opens his crappy, now charred, briefcase to a fire roaring inside. He gets STARTLED and hurdles it out Doug's side-almost running them off the road.

HERMAN (cont'd)
That briefcase had alotta years left.

It is bright out. Herman squints. He forages through his box and he puts on pair of dog ski goggles with UV rainbow lenses.

DOUG
Are those ski goggles?

HERMAN
Ski goggles-for the dog on the go.

DOUG
Why are you wearing eye-wear for a dog?

HERMAN
Because I like the way they look on me.
INT. ANDY'S DOJO HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Doug and Herman enter. We follow Doug. He finds Andy about to teach a class of NINE STUDENTS. Doug signals Andy over. 

ANDY
Wow. It looks like you have been enjoying a relaxing day at the spa.

DOUG
(punch-drunk)
My attorney blewed up his office!

ANDY
How does a water treatment facility blow up?

DOUG
--A bath tub facility...with enough water to drown Miami and that jag-bert flattens it with wax.

ANDY
Jag-Bert?

DOUG
Herman said it's half 'Muppet', half 'jag-off'.

ANDY
Cheer up. Is it really that bad?

Doug points down the hallway. There's Herman: in a vintage pair of sneakers, burned suit with ski dog goggles on, wandering around, aimlessly.

ANDY (cont'd)
You are so fucked! 

Doug gestures to Herman and joins in.

DOUG
Andy, meet Mr. Herman Porter, my post-funeral injury attorney.
Herman sets the ski dog goggles on his forehead. They shake.

ANDY
Let's talk after class-getting people out of arson is one of my specialties! Herman-it looks like you need to take this class.

DOUG
Ah, Andy, I strongly urge you to reconsider.
DOJO CLASSROOM

The students form two lines down the mat facing each other. They are in lawyer attire. Herman joins the end of the line.

DOUG
Maybe this will make my day.

ANDY
(walks down lines)
Welcome to 'How to Defend Yourself Against Your Client'. Pay attention. I'm Andy King and I'm going to teach you what lawyers should do if a certain negative scenario was to arise with you and your client.

A line of eight fire trucks wiz by the dojo's window.

ANDY (cont'd)
I want you to pretend I'm your client and you're the scumbag attorney.

HERMAN
(echo voice)
Scumbag attorney.

Suddenly, Andy throat-slams a MALE STUDENT. He goes down, gasping for air.

ANDY
See, right there. THAT guy should have been expecting that. Let's move on...

Each student holds a rape whistle. The only female student, NAOMI, receives the last one.

ANDY (cont'd)
Here's a rape whistle. Blow it if you are about to be raped by your client. Don't blow the client-blow the rape whistle. My ex-wife had a hard time remembering which not to blow-but she's dead now-hit by a mini cooper. But...she'd probably still be alive if she used her rape whistle. So, that just goes to you show how important the rape whistle is.

HERMAN
(raises hand)
Do you know if she has legal representation?

ANDY
...Okay, everyone's matched with a sparring partner. This side
(points to Herman's side)
is the lawyer side, and the other side is the aggressive client who just got sentenced to prison because you didn't do your job. What do you do?

Everyone spars except Herman. Herman's SPARRING GUY eggs him on to participate.

SPARRING GUY
I'm going to prison for life! I've got nothing to lose!

Herman becomes increasingly anxious and jittery.

ANDY
Herman? What do you do if your client is about to ruff you up? 

HERMAN
I don't know. I'm out of carob. I don't think I want to play this game anymore.

ANDY
I'm sure you've got some moves, probably not Bruce Lee, but, show me Martha Stewart.

SPARRING GUY
I'm Martha and I'll beat you with a giant, well-grown, heirloom beet! You're the reason I've been sentenced to serve a five-month term in a federal correctional facility! HERMAN HIT ME!

Herman takes the ORDER and performs a sophisticated martial arts move on sparring guy. He goes down. Everyone stops, looks at the lifeless man and claps.

NAOMI
I'm Naomi. How'd you do that?

HERMAN
(coy)
I have Jumping Frenchman of Maine.

NAOMI
Not much impresses me-but that did!

HERMAN
My affliction turned you on? 

NAOMI
Yeah. Not many guys can keep up with me. I like it rough-real rough.

ANDY
Doug, if Herman nails people like that out of the courtroom-imagine what he can do in the courtroom. I want everyone to practice having the Jumping Frenchman of Maine thingy.
EXT. DOUG'S YARD – AFTER CLASS

Doug grabs items from the car. Herman eats veggies from the garden nearby.

HERMAN
I'm glad you planted vegetables on
my property. But I don't like Okra.

DOUG
That's not Okra Herman-those are cucumbers.

Herman moves on to a shrub; picks some red berries and eats them. He walks over to Doug with some in his hand.

HERMAN
Hey, are these poisonous?

DOUG
Yes, don't eat those.

HERMAN
But I just ate a bunch. Why on earth would you grow poisonous berries?

DOUG
Why would you ask me if those are poisonous berries after you ate them?

A swarm of winged bugs find Herman. He swats them away.

HERMAN
Stupid bugs! Doug why are there so many measly bugs here?

DOUG
Because its Florida.
INT. DOUG'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Herman unloads his cornucopia of vitamins and Kangen machine. Doug is overwhelmed.

DOUG
Can you put your stuff in Reese's room?

HERMAN
(funny attitude)
Legally this is my place just as much as yours. Can you move your stupid coffee maker? Its an insult to have near my Japanese switchblade of a machine!

DOUG
Why do you have all this crap? These vitamins don't seem to do anything for you.

HERMAN
Look at my ripped right forearm. Its because of my Vitamin Y!

DOUG
Look at my veins. They're bigger than yours and I don't take shit!

Doug pages through a People magazine.

DOUG (cont'd)
You don't have any connecting afflictions. Its just the one.

HERMAN
You know that isn't true Douglas.

Doug turns to an article about Judge Judy. There is a full page of her picture. He tears out PAPER JUDGE JUDY.

DOUG
Look: Its a judge you can practice on so when you go to court-you don't entirely suck.

HERMAN
Are you kidding me?

DOUG
Don't address me-address the judge.
Doug pins Paper Judge Judy to the wall.

HERMAN
(to Paper Judge Judy)
Your Honor, I apologize, my client--

DOUG
I'm not your client in this scenario-I'm the opposing side! Mr. Porter, please tell the court what other afflictions you suffer from.

HERMAN
Your Honor, I suffer from what I refer to as Adolescent Benign Focal Crisis; which is the inability to concentrate. Unfortunately, it has persisted into my adult life.

DOUG
Objection, move to strike. Mr. Porter is not a professional in the field of medicine and one cannot ascertain about a disease that is not acknowledged by modern medicine--

HERMAN
(to Doug)
I wouldn't be saying 'strike' if I was you!

DOUG
(Judge Judy voice)
Move on Mr. Porter. I'm only going to give you so much latitude.
(normal voice)
Mr. Porter, please tell us what other afflictions hinder your daily life.

HERMAN
Well, Judy-Judge, the 'Canadians' poisoned me with Maple Syrup Urine Disease-and my pee permanently smells like burnt sugar. And I also have reoccurring episodes of Dragonpox.

DOUG
That's a disease from Harry Potter!

HERMAN
Objection. Mr. Jennings is not a Harry Porter expert and cannot speak in regard to a disease that is not acknowledged by modern medicine.

Furious Herman rips Paper Judge Judy off the wall, shoves her down the garbage disposal and turns it on.

HERMAN (cont'd)
(grabs Kangen machine)
Oh, my Japanese switchblade is sooooo going right where your junky coffee apparatus is!

DOUG
CANADA would not approve of that!

HERMAN
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE C-WORD!

Herman slams down his Kangen machine on the kitchen counter-top. It CREAKS. He rips out Doug's coffee maker from the wall and drop-kicks it out the back door.

DOUG
(calm)
Dude, that's a little overboard.

HERMAN
Watch this! My Kangen machine is so going to face-fuck your stupid, fancy, little, white, vintage counter-top!

Herman slams his Kangen machine repeatedly over the counter-top in a sexually explicit manner. It CREAKS LOUDER. 

DOUG
You know who also wouldn't approve of this behavior? How about...Justin Bieber, in a canoe, with a beaver, giving each other maple syrup anemas!

HERMAN
WHAT THE FUCK!

Herman slams down his Kangen machine for the last time and

CRASH! THE ENTIRE FIRST LEVEL OF THE HOUSE GIVES OUT!
BASEMENT - SECONDS LATER

Beat. Herman races to Doug's aid who's not showing signs of life. 

HERMAN
Doug! Hold on...
(feminine tone)
You have some rather large pieces of your house on top of you.

Doug moans. Herman labors to uncover Doug. Finally, he is freed.

HERMAN (cont'd)
Are you okay? What the heck? You have albino ants crawling all over you! Oh no! They're everywhere!

Doug barely stands. Gypsum dust wafts off Doug's suit.

DOUG
IS IT NOT EVIDENT TO YOU THAT THOSE ALBINO ANTS ARE ACTUALLY TERMITES?!

HERMAN
I thought termites live in the ocean.

DOUG
You think termites live the ocean?

HERMAN
Yes, I thought they were 'sea-bugs'. Kinda similar to 'capers'.

DOUG
Like the capers you eat on lox, pastas and salads?

HERMAN
Yes, but I never ate 'capers' because I thought they were sea-meat from the ocean--'sea-bugs'.

DOUG
Capers aren't sea-bugs-they are a pickled flowers. And termites don't live in the ocean-they live in rotting wood. I was so focused on Jocelyn's bullshit that I forgot to schedule an exterminator!

Herman's phone RINGS...he finds it in the rubble.

HERMAN
(nonchalantly)
Herman Porter, post-funeral injury attorney. Hello Ms. Hessy. You've been in the hospital-that's dreadful. Of course, I can send you the drafted agreements as soon as I can find a new office. What happened to my old one? I torched it. Hello? Hello?

DOUG
Herman, I'm sorry for bringing up all those triggers that sent you into a panic. I had no right to do that.

HERMAN
I apologize too. I'll replace your
(looks around)
coffee maker.

DOUG
I think that's the least of my troubles.

HERMAN
I guess this isn't the best time to ask for different collateral.
NEXT MORNING

Doug and Herman cuddle together on a single twin mattress. It's frame is awkwardly angled nearly 90-degrees stuck in wreckage.
INT. JOCELYN'S HOUSE/REESE'S ROOM – NIGHT

Reese watches an animal TV show. He soaks it up like a sponge.

NARRATOR ON TV
Every living animal on the planet, with the exception of Homo sapiens and the Camel, eat their own placenta after giving birth. It boosts energy, reduces sleeping problems and eases pain...
Jocelyn, without any filter, talks on the phone in the kitchen. Reese pauses the TV and listens on.

JOCELYN (O.S.)
...Mom, I'll just move out of the country to freaking Canada with Reese! Doug can say goodbye to those stupid body-paintings with his precious son!

REESE
(frightened, whispers)
My money-maker.
Reese crawls out his window and disappears into the night.

INT. DOUG'S HOUSE - ABOUT AN HOUR LATER

Front door is open. Doug and Herman hang-out in the basement with a hoard of legal papers. Just then, from outside: RRTTT.

Reese appears at the front door and they look up amazed.

DOUG
Reese?! What-why-how are you here?

REESE
(like duh)
I got here on Leon's 3-wheeler. It's 14 rights and 23 lefts.
(looks around)
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY ROOM?!

DOUG
Why are you alone? Wheres Mo--

REESE
Mommy was talking to grammy and said we're going to the country of Canada!

HERMAN
(gets all worked up)
CANADA?!

REESE
No more weiner paitings? My weiner is why I'm famous!

DOUG
Let Herman and I worry about that.

Doug tucks Reese into the angled twin bed in the basement.

HERMAN
You know...my friend Wuancho has a boat. This house isn't really safe for Reese. We could boat there for two days until the trial and explain the extenuating circumstances to Judge Wankitt.

DOUG
Well, I'm certainly not returning him with the possibility of them fleeing the country! What else could she do to me?!
INT. JOCELYN'S HOUSE, REESE'S ROOM - THE NEXT MORNING

Jocelyn enters to find Reese is gone and the window is open.

JOCELYN
YES!
(dials phone)
911, THE PENIS-POPPER HAS KIDNAPPED MY CHILD! PUT AN AMBER ALERT OUT!
INT. BOATING WAREHOUSE - HOURS LATER

Doug, Herman and Reese stand in the check-out line holding inappropriate boating items. Not blending.

HERMAN
None of us are seaworthy. Are these items people need on a boat? I think our chances of sticking out have slimmed down. 

DOUG
We didn't have many options. We got suckered into this.

REESE
Ohhhhhh, you said a bad word. Mommy says that's a swear word.

DOUG
No, 'sucker' is okay to say.

Reese, eating Herman's carob, makes a 180-turn to the 230lb. SIX FOOT GUY in line, who towers over him and says:

REESE
Cocksucker.

HERMAN
(yells, repeating voice)
Cocksucker! Cocksucker! Cocksucker!

DOUG
(turns to Six Foot Guy)
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on a second!
I can explain both of these idiots.

SIX FOOT GUY
(to Herman)
Your son better shut up or I'm gonna shove that chocolate up your--

HERMAN
(stance like Superman)
It's not chocolate you asshole-its carob!

Six Foot Guy swings at Herman's face but he ducks and Doug gets punched in the eye. That punch STARTLES Herman and he bitch-slaps Doug in the ear. Doug groans.

DOUG
Mother to Cree!

Doug's eye swells and his ear bleeds.

HERMAN
Are you in pain? Do you need some ice?

Doug, yeah, you think. Reese moves over to the CASHIER.

REESE
Excuse me, ma'am? My Daddy's in pain, can I have your placenta?

DOUG
(to Reese)
I guess Mommy is right about one thing. Sucker is a bad word.

REESE
(caresses Doug's face)
I'm not disappointed in you-but you need to get your poop-in-a-group.
EXT. CEDAR KEY MARINA, CEDAR KEYS - CONTINUOUS

Crowded marina. Doug, Herman and Reese meet WUANCHO, 40's, a family man with dwarfism, at the end of the dock.

HERMAN
(in Spanish)
Hello friend. Wuancho, I'd like you to meet my friend, Doug and his son Reese.
Wuancho shakes Doug's hand.

DOUG
Hola.

REESE
Woaw-la.

Behind Wuancho is a very large, plush yacht.

WUANCHO
You can take my boat, friends.

Wuancho points back to the yacht. Nods. Smiles.

DOUG
(pleasantly surprised)
Muchas gracias Wunacho.
(elated)
Herman, you deserve a lot more credit than I've given you. Just when I didn't think you'd pull through...

During his speech, the yacht powers away; leaving behind a boat: the most luxurious 15-foot mini tugboat on the planet. Everything it carries is tiny. It utilizes scooter tires-not car tires. (The wheelhouse is so small that all shots are EXT.)

Then, Doug turns back, wondering where the yacht went. He makes circles in search for it, but he only sees, bobbing in the water the mini tugboat with the name: "PEQUEÑO LUCHADOR", (in subtitles, "Tiny Wrestler"). It makes two, tiny high-pitched toots. 

DOUG (cont'd)
(to Wuancho)
Herman said you could fit a small family on your boat?

WUANCHO
Yes. Small.

We whip pan to the other end of the dock: reveal WUANCHO'S FAMILY of five standing together-they all have dwarfism.

Reese boards the tugboat.

REESE
Cool toy boat!

Wuancho and his family wave goodbye to Doug, Herman and Reese puttering out to sea on the tugboat.
EXT. MINI TUGBOAT/EXT. WHEELHOUSE - OFF FLORIDA COASTLINE – DAY

Shoreline in sight. Doug's in the wheelhouse on the boat's radio.

HERMAN
Reese, do you know what an anchor is?

REESE
Of course I do.

HERMAN
Can you drop the anchor off starboard?

REESE
Of course I can.

Just then, Doug summons Herman.

DOUG
Herman! Miss Violet might have something.
Reese is left unsupervised. Overwhelmed. Confused. He inspects the Kangen machine-a heavy metal chain is attached to it, it has buttons and its boxy. He throws it overboard.

Night settles in. Doug checks his watch.

DOUG (cont'd)
Buddy, time for bed.

REESE
While I'm falling asleep can I watch "Ted" on the little TV?

DOUG
"Ted"? No. That's an R-rated movie.

REESE
But Mommy lets me watch anything I want.

DOUG
I love you but you can't watch that movie. I care too much about you.

REESE
I WISH I WAS AT MOMMY'S RIGHT NOW!

Reese bares his teeth and storms off into the wheelhouse.

HERMAN
He's just stressed and over-tired.

Doug sits. This is his lowest point. Herman turns on a floodlight; which hovers above Doug's head. Bugs fly around the light source. Herman makes a bed with the Mexican ponchos.  

DOUG
I shouldn't have filed papers asking for Reese permanently. Where is the accountability for the mother that severs any relationship with the father?

HERMAN
Getting justice means paying into it to get it. If you don't follow-thru, things will stay the as they are now. What it will accomplish is taking the power away from an egocentric parent. It doesn't mean Reese can never see his mother again.

Doug turns the floodlight off. They get under the covers.

DOUG
I totally spaced it. Did you drop anchor?

HERMAN
Oh, yeah.

DOUG
Good. I don't want any other catastrophes.

Silence. Beat. They are very close proximity to each other.

DOUG (cont'd)
You and I sleep next to each other way too often.
NEXT MORNING

Doug awakens. He immediately notices no coastline. Doug leans over the boat's edge. Without pre-mediation, he jabs Herman.

DOUG
HERMAN!

Sleeping Herman is STARTLED. He leaps up and shot-puts a gallon of water into the sea: Splash. Bubbles surface.

DOUG (cont'd)
I thought you dropped anchor?!

HERMAN
I did. ...Well...I told Reese to drop the anchor off starboard.

DOUG
Do me a solid and go look.

Herman spots the anchor. He tries the 'dog' thing again.

DOUG (cont'd)
Why would you order a six-year-old to be in charge of a sea vessel?!

HERMAN
He said he knew what I was talking about.

Doug opens the wheelhouse. Calmly, he wakes Reese.

DOUG
Reese. It's morning-on the toy boat. Hey, can you tell Daddy what 'starboard' is?

REESE
(rubs eyes, out of it)
Um...it's a spaceship that shoots out boobie milk.

Doug turns sharply to Herman with devil-eyes. He closes the wheelhouse.

HERMAN
He said he did drop anchor.

Herman notices his Kangen machine is M.I.A.. He follows the chain, pulling on it until the end is reached: the Kangen machine is busted, rusted, with seaweed and mussels attached. Herman just lets go of his baby-kerplunk.

HERMAN (cont'd)
Oh fuck. He really didn't know what I was talking about.

DOUG
And why is there a chain attached to your stupid water machine?

HERMAN
Because I didn't want to lose it. It was our only water source besides those grape juice boxes-and the jug of water I tossed overboard.

Doug grabs the one and only 6-pack of 2x2x2 inch juice boxes.

DOUG
This is the only water we have left, lost in an ocean. How are we going to make it back if not for the trial-but at all?

HERMAN
Let me look around for more water.

Herman checks around. It takes him six seconds.

DOUG
Look around? There is no around! WHY IS EVERYTHING ON THIS BOAT SO SMALL?!

HERMAN
Let's radio Wuancho.
Herman opens the wheelhouse. Reese holds the radio receiver. The cord is torn off. 

REESE
I broke the toy radio.
HOURS LATER

Doug and Herman bicker. They pay no attention to Reese.

REESE
Daddy, it's lunchtime. Could I have something to eat and drink?

DOUG
Hold on. Why won't that work?

REESE
Daddy, could I have some Goldfish and some juice please?

DOUG
(not focused)
Go ahead.

Reese helps himself to the Goldfish Crackers and juice.

Reese kicks back and enjoys the live soap opera-forget "Ted".

DOUG (cont'd)
I think Reese should testify along with the evidence we have.

HERMAN
Its not a good strategy to position your child to testify. In cases of severe parental alienation its not a benefit to you. We have enough strong evidence without it-even though I burned a decent amount.

The SOUNDS of munching crackers and emptying juice boxes takes over, yet it goes unnoticed.

DOUG
But he's really mature for his age.

HERMAN
Yes, but he's also kinda...stunted because of you know who.

DOUG
My son isn't stunted! Watch this! Hey Buddy, who killed John F. Kennedy?

REESE
(quick without hesitation)
George Bush.

DOUG
See! Wicked smart!

Again, the SOUNDS of munching crackers and emptying juice boxes. Now, they notice the reserves are gone.

DOUG (cont'd)
Reese, where's the food and juice?
Doug looks at Reese who then spits up some food. Herman inspects Reese at eye-level. Reese's stomach gurgles. Suddenly, Reese projectile vomits copious amounts of red sludge over Herman.
LATER THAT DAY

The sun beats down on their skin and they sunburn. Seabirds fly.

REESE
Maybe I could catch a seabird and make seabird sushi. ...Yes. ...No.

HERMAN
Let's all cool down in the water. 

Herman puts on a miniature life-vest and helps Reese with his.

DOUG
I'm good. You guys go.

Herman fights Doug who wants nothing to do with the life-vest.   

DOUG (cont'd)
I don't like things around neck! That's precisely why I don't wear ties!

HERMAN
What if you fall overboard?

DOUG
Why would I fall overboard?

HERMAN
Well, what if I push you overboard. There, does that help?
(puts on life-vest)
Put it on.

DOUG
No, I'm good.

Herman achieves getting it around Doug's neck when he accidentally pulls the cord and the life-vest inflates.

DOUG (cont'd)
(claustrophobic)
I-can't-breathe-Herman!

Herman, without ideas, blows air in Doug's face to cool him.

HERMAN
Is that helping at all?

DOUG
No! Your breathe is going to kill me before the life-vest does!

Reese hurries into the wheelhouse and returns with a bitty knife. Reese makes a COMMAND. 

REESE
HERMAN! USE THIS KNIFE HERMAN!

Herman grabs the knife and jams it into Doug's life-vest. Simultaneously, he yells in fear:

HERMAN
MEMBERS OF THE COURT EXHIBIT ONE!

The life-vest deflates around Doug's pierced skin, leaving a bleeding wound. Doug screams.

TIME LAPSE: The sun sets and rises over the tugboat. 
THAT MORNING - 8AM 

Herman paces; two steps forward, turns and repeats.

REESE
Daddy, I'm so cranky and hungry. I might have to eat...persons. ...Yes. ...No. 

Herman combs through the tugboat. Items hit Doug and Reese.

DOUG
Herman-stay calm. I fixed the radio. Let's wait for Wuancho to respond.

HERMAN
Doug, I have to do something. 

Herman, frantic, finds a hidden cubby and brandishes a pee-wee fish-harpoon gun. He shows it proudly.

HERMAN (cont'd)
No way! I gotta plan now!

REESE
IS YOUR PLAN SHOOTING AND EATING US?!

HERMAN
No, I'm going to skewer fish in the ocean...like that actor did in the movie, "127 Hours".

DOUG
Herman, that was a real-life story of a man who cuts his arm off in the desert.

HERMAN
(pissy attitude)
Ah, I think I know what I'm talking about. He gets lost in the desert, then makes it to the ocean to skewer fish. But he can't catch any fish, so that's why he ends up eating his own arm! I have an advantage to that guy.

DOUG
Whats your advantage?!

HERMAN
I have two arms! That means double the amount of fish! And since I will catch fish we won't have to resort to eating our arms-like that actor did in, "127 Hours".

DOUG
This isn't Hollywood Herman!

REESE
Maybe he could skewer Tetras with that baby harpoon. I want to eat the first aquarium-fish he catches!

HERMAN
Thank you Reese for believing in your non-family, family attorney.

DOUG
Please sit back down in the shade.

HERMAN
I swear this will to make up for--

Herman accidentally hits the powerful release and the mini dart punctures Doug's shoulder, on the opposite side of the other wound. The force sends Doug overboard.

HERMAN (cont'd)
DOUG!

REESE
Son of a biscuit!

Herman plugs his nose and jumps in the water with his puke-soaked shirt and mini fish-harpoon gun.

Herman swims to Doug. When Doug sees Herman draw closer he swims away from Herman.

HERMAN
DOUGLAS! I'M COMING TO SAVE MY BEST FRIEND!

DOUG
DON'T TOUCH ME! GET THAT FUCKING HARPOON AWAY FROM ME!

HERMAN
It's not loaded anymore.

DOUG
WHY THE HELL WOULD I BELIEVE YOU?!

REESE
Daddy, he did tell you he was going to push you overboard. I just never thought he'd shoot you overboard.
Reese scans the water, and sees movement. His body locks up.

REESE (cont'd)
If sharks like fish-does that mean they like Goldfish-puke?

Doug and Herman become still in the water.

REESE (cont'd)
I think you're okay, probably just a vegan shark.

HERMAN
Shark?!

Herman quits the rescue, swims back to the tugboat, shrieking like a girl. Herman boards, shoving Reese out of his way and into the water:

REESE
Woah!

Doug reaches Reese; expressing his last living wishes.

DOUG
I'll always love you Buddy! I'm not sure this is the best decision: but Herman is your new Daddy now!

HERMAN
Thanks Doug.
Herman plucks Reese from the water.

DOUG
Don't thank me! Get be out of here you moron!

Doug looks down at his legs and screams. Reese watches in horror.

REESE
No! Daddy! 

A pod of about EIGHT MANATEES express the air from their blowholes, swimming playfully around them.

DOUG
Its okay. Its manatees.

REESE
My wish came trues! They have all escaped from Sea World!

Reese jumps overboard.

DOUG
Everything is going to be okay.

They play with the manatees; sharing a special moment. Water glistens. Scene softens. Herman watches them bond.
30 MINUTES LATER

Doug, Herman and Reese spread out their clothes to dry. They put on the Mexican ponchos. Doug assists Reese with his.

REESE
(softly)
That was the most fun I have ever had in my life. You're a great Daddy.

DOUG
You're the best thing in my life Reese.

HERMAN
(scans horizon)
Wuancho might have found us after all.

They focus on a speck a couple miles out. There is excitement.

DOUG
WHERE ARE THE FLARES?!

HERMAN
I saw something earlier that might peak their interest.

Herman opens a compartment and grabs a box of Pops firecrackers. He throws them hard at Doug's feet.

DOUG
OUCH! OUCH! What are you doing?

HERMAN
I'm signaling thems on the boat. We're over here! Help!

Herman throws more at Doug's feet.

DOUG
Gimme those damn things.

Doug throws the Pops overboard.

Herman finds a teeny pair of binoculars. He struggles to place them anatomically on his face. Doug impatiently pulls them away from Herman's face and hands them to Reese.

REESE
(looks into binoculars)
Okay guys...I see a boat with big waves coming off it. It has the same colors as the Wendy's restaurant Mommy takes me too. We're saved guys! The Wendy's food-boat is here!

Doug grabs the binoculars. He places one focal to his eye.

Reese dances and sings while kicking items into the water; like the scene from "Labyrinth", when David Bowie, sings, "Magic Dance".

REESE (cont'd)
Dance magic, dance. ...Dance magic, dance.
(kicks more items out)
Dance magic, dance. In two minutes that Wendy's Frosty will be mine! 

In the focal Doug sees the Florida Coast Guard's (F.C.G.) cutter approaching fast.

DOUG
If we're detained we'll miss the trial.
(to Reese)
No matter what happens-I'll get this worked out.

REESE
(fearless)
Okay, Muscle Milk.

The cutter's siren intensifies as they arrive 50 yards out. 
EXT. CUTTER/EXT. MINI TUGBOAT - CONTINUOUS

On the cutter a F.C.G. OFFICER, speaks through a megaphone.

F.C.G. OFFICER
This is the Florida Coast Guard. Have all the spaces on board unlocked, open, and ready for inspection.

DOUG
THERE NO OPEN SPACES ON THIS BOAT!

Doug, Herman and Reese duck down.

F.C.G. OFFICER
If you do not comply we will assume you are harboring illegal crew members and contraband. All crew members, from all levels of the vessel, come to the deck.

DOUG
What levels? THIS BOAT IS FREAKING FOUR-FEET-LONG!

HERMAN
Wait! This will clear up some confusion.

Herman tacks up a flag of Mexico. It flutters in the wind.

On a small megaphone to the F.C.G., Herman stands:

HERMAN (cont'd)
(in French; subtitled)
Attention: You are in no danger.
We are unarmed fugitives.

All three F.C.G. officers look at each other and draw guns.

DOUG
(to Herman)
Take that flag down! Are you nuts?!

Doug yanks Herman back down and he slips. Herman's fall unmasks a never-seen before red button that reads: "CHORROS". Reese questions what it is and presses it. 

Instantly, from the stern, underwater jets engage, propelling the tug boat forward, circling. Herman's almost tossed out.

Reese crawls into the wheelhouse, sits in the captain's chair and steers. Doug helps Reese safely maneuver. Reese toots the horn.

The cutter follows and a high-speed chase ensues. 

DOUG (cont'd)
(to Herman)
See! Wicked smart!

HERMAN
How do you know which way is shore?

DOUG
I don't. For all I know we could be going farther the wrong way. How are we going stop them?

F.C.G. OFFICER
Stop your vessel! Stop your vessel!

HERMAN
Wait! I have an another idea!
Doug and Reese look at Herman, then each other.

DOUG AND REESE
Shit.

Herman shouts to the cutter on the small megaphone.

HERMAN
(in French; subtitled)
Do you know who I am? Some of my past clientele include famous Canadian celebrities! Alanis Morrissette, Ryan Gosling, and Gérard Depardieu...although he's French and not Canadian-he was a very good maple syrup client of mine! And none of them are dead...yet!

The confused F.C.G. Officers look at each other and fire a warning shot at them. The bullet flies by Doug's head.

DOUG
Stop yelling French! Every time you speak French, they want to kill us!
INT./EXT. CUTTER - CONTINUOUS
An F.C.G. officer yells to the F.G.C. CAPTAIN:

F.C.G. OFFICER
They have underwater jets. I can't shoot out their motor with my shotgun.

F.C.G. CAPTAIN
They don't seem too bright. Tell them you will anyway.

F.C.G. OFFICER
(megaphone)
Stop your vessel or we will shoot out your motor!
RESUME BACK ON EXT. CUTTER/EXT. MINI TUGBOAT

DOUG
Say something to them-not in French!

HERMAN
Not French-fine!
Herman speaks into the small megaphone to the F.C.G..

HERMAN (cont'd)
(in Japanese; subtitled)
For over four decades, Japan-based Kangen Enagic has been the leading manufacturer of alkaline ionizers and water filtration machines in the world. Our passion is to transform the tap water in your home into pure healthy drinking water...
Doug smacks his hand to his forehead. Just then, over the radio:

WUANCHO
Hola? Hola?

DOUG
(grabs the radio)
Wuancho! This is "Tiny Wrestler". Over.
Reese grabs the radio from Doug in a panic.

REESE
NACHO, WE NEED BACKUPS! WE'RE BEING CHASED BY THE WENDY'S FOOD-BOAT!
Herman pops his head into the wheelhouse.

WUANCHO
(In Spanish)
Press the blue button.

HERMAN
Gracias Wuancho!

Herman presses the blue button. Fire-fighting monitors shoot out high-pressured water from the stern. They applaud.

DOUG
(to Reese)
Go on. I'm giving you permission this one time to take them out.
Reese is smug. He rips off a strip of his poncho. We get a view of Reese's 'muscular' back; flexing as he finishes tying the strip across his head. He takes hold of the fire-fighting monitors and locks target on the F.C.G. officers. 

REESE
Woaw-la little Sallies...
Taste my S'Awesome Sauce.

Reese, aims, shoots and yells:

IMA GONNA JUICE YOU WENDY LIKE A GODDAMN FLORIDA ORANGE!

Reese pummels the F.C.G. officers. They fall into the water one by one; forcing the cutter to discontinue it's pursuit.

Doug, Herman and Reese cheer.

DOUG
(to Herman)
Let's make that trial! I want you as my lawyer-not because I'm forced into it-but at my own volition.

Herman hugs Doug.
INT. JOCELYN'S HOUSE - 30 MINUTES LATER

Eli enjoys a Bambi puzzle. Then, on the TV: Hannah Bootaye with the FBI, POLICE and K-9 DOGS; who search the ocean area.

HANNAH BOOTAYE
This might feel like déjà vu but new developments in the Penis-Popper spectacle... The FBI has now joined Tampa law enforcement in the manhunt for Doug Jennings, and his son Reese's Pieces, whom he kidnapped from his home two days ago.
A map of Florida, Georgia and Puerto Rico appears: pin-point markings slowly appear and soon litter the map.

HANNAH BOOTAYE (cont'd)
The FBI is growing increasingly concerned about dozens of unconfirmed reports of child abuse by the hand of the Penis-Popper whose range now spans over three states and counting. 
(beat)
In an unrelated story, the Florida Coast Guard intercepted a tug boat today said to have been carrying 15,000 kilos of cocaine.
Recorded F.C.G. footage plays: Doug, Herman and Reese on the tugboat in chase.

HANNAH BOOTAYE (cont'd)
The three drug smugglers did not surrender and a high-speed chase ensued. One of the men disclosed his close drug ties with some of Canada's top celebrities, even hinting of a possible assassination attempt. Just when Floridians thought the Penis-Popper couldn't be beat, we have another contender for the top "Florida Man" story. This is Hannah Bootaye.
The news broadcast ends. Eli becomes upset and defensive.

ELI
That's my friend Ms. Bootaye! I do have balls Jocelyn! Balls like tangerines!

Eli swipes Jocelyn's SUV keys and leaves.

EXT. A DOCK, CEDAR KEYS – CONTINUOUS

The tugboat hits shore in a town where golf carts are driven like cars (yes, for real). Doug, Herman and Reese, with empty pockets (back in dirty clothes) walk the dock.

REESE
If we had a gophers cart we could drive to Tampa. Daddy, can I drive one?

DOUG
You're too young Buddy. Only if was an emergency.
Herman ponders, eyeing the dozens of golf carts.

HERMAN
I'll be right back.
Moments later, Herman returns in a 4-person golf cart with a pink baby seat in the back. He beeps the little horn.

HERMAN (cont'd)
Get in. We've got a trial to make.

DOUG
What is it with you and stealing automobiles with little girls items?
EXT. GOLF CART - CONTINUOUS
Herman puts Reese into the under-sized baby seat. He fumbles with the straps due to the snug fit.

REESE
Hey man, you're getting pretty close to my red-light zone.

Doug and Herman both opt to drive.

DOUG
I think I should drive because I'm not a neurological ticking time-bomb.

HERMAN
Yeah, but your like...bleeding all over and stuff.

REESE
Under-ruled! Just drive Daddy! 

Doug drives. He assesses his wounds and becomes woozy. Herman looks through a bag of items left in the golf cart.

HERMAN
There's tampons...aloe Vera gel...hand sanitizer...and dog shampoo. I call the dog shampoo!

DOUG
I'm so parched! I'll drink the aloe Vera gel-unless somebody wants to share?
Herman and Reese are repulsed. We see Herman, unknowingly, give Doug the 30oz., 95% alcohol hand sanitizer-not aloe Vera gel. Doug gulps it down until the bottle is half empty.

DOUG (cont'd)
That tasted like...a delivery room!
Soon after, Doug slurs his words.

DOUG (cont'd)
You know I fweel rewfreshed...and nauseous at the same time.
Doug randomly finds a crumpled five-dollar bill in his pocket.

DOUG (cont'd)
Look Rweese. Lets eat something! Where you wanna eat Hermy?

HERMAN
Let's stop at this KFC. Hang a Larry!

DOUG
Oral rwequest granted!

He turns left into the KFC lot only to suddenly pass out...
EXT. KFC DRIVE-THRU - CONTINUOUS

...ramming the golf cart into a car placing their order. The force of the crash pushes that car up; placing Reese at the intercom. Doug and Herman lay numb on the pavement.

DRIVE-THRU MICROPHONE (O.S.)
Welcome to Kentucky Fried Chicken, can I take your order?

REESE
Yeah, I'd like three pops without the penis, fries and your big breasts hot off your rack!

DRIVE-THRU MICROPHONE (O.S.)
Excuse me?

Doug, lucid for a moment, rushes to Reese's side.

DOUG
A-Are you okay Rweese's Pieces?

REESE
I'm okay. It just felt like my head was gonna come off.
PICK-UP WINDOW
Elated Reese comically drives up to the pick-up window.

REESE (cont'd)
Hello ma'am. I'm here for my juicy breasts.
Reese hands over the money, puts the food in the baby seat and drives off. The KFC LADY looks perplexed.
EXT. TAMPA HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS

Herman drives. Cars pass the golf cart lightning fast. A TALL TROOPER clocks them at: 25 MPH. He engages his lights and siren.

They pull over. The golf cart, juxtaposed in front of the cop car, pokes fun at the scale. Tall Trooper saunters to the golf cart. He ducks down to question Herman.

TROOPER
Folks, whats wrong with this picture?

HERMAN
We are from Cedar Keys. We thought golf carts were allowed on--

TROOPER
Highways in which vehicles are moving at 70 MPH? Not quite, Mr.?...

HERMAN
...Frenchman?
Doug's sloshed brain is in over-drive. He puts his hand into his pockets, feels the rape whistle and withdraws it.

DOUG
Herman-I hate to do this to you...
Doug blows the rape whistle loud, which STARTLES him; and he upper-cuts the Tall Trooper. He hits the ground

MUSIC: like "Thunderstuck" by ACDC. 

They look at the passed out trooper.

HERMAN
Very clever Doug! I'll get the charge dropped anyway.

Reese, not apologetic, says to the passed out tall trooper:

REESE
Sorry-Jumping French Boy's Disease.

IN SLO MO: Head-on in the golf cart: Doug, Herman and Reese with dead-serious looks. The wind blows in their hair; speeding down the highway. Herman drives wearing his dog goggles. Inebriated Doug wears his aviator sunglasses and pukes off the side. Reese, in his pink baby seat, chucks a chicken wing at Herman.

Long shot of golf cart hauling-ass towards Tampa skyline.
EXT. TAMPA COURTHOUSE PARKING LOT/INT. BOILER ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The golf cart pulls into the back lot to avoid the MANY COPS and NEWS CREW stationed at the front. They make their way to a basement window. End music.

HERMAN
Doug, you go first. My bulging right-arm will assist you down.

DOUG
After surviving you feeding me pure ethanol-I think got it. 

Herman opens the window. Doug begins to descend, face first, in control. Then, without reason, Herman grabs both of his ankles.

DOUG (cont'd)
Butt-munch, what are you doing?!
JUDGE WANKITT'S COURTROOM

All the SPECTATORS hear two men (Doug and Herman) ARGUE from the floor below. Stunkerton Wankitt Jr. comes out of his den to snoof the air, wearing a teeny magistrate wig.
RESUME IN EXT. PARKING LOT/INT. BOILER ROOM
 (cont'd)
HERMAN
You need help. Call it lawyer intuition. Let me feed you down.

DOUG
Don't feed me anymore-I have nothing to brace myself against now. Don't let go.

HERMAN
You're probably at the floor by now.

Herman releases Doug, dropping him another six feet straight down, headfirst onto concrete. A classic submission for Jack Ass.

Herman and Reese enter and help concussed Doug.
INT. JUDGE WANKITT'S COURTROOM - ONE MINUTE LATER

The doors fly open. Doug, Herman and Reese enter in combat-mode. SPECTATORS gasp at their alarming sight. Herman trips at the door-jam, again. The two bailiffs help him up.

JUDGE WANKITT
Oh, finally. Its the two ambulance-chasers and the minor.

Doug, Herman and Reese are center front. Spectators behind. The three of them are severely sunburned. Herman wears the puke-soaked shirt. Doug is concussed, drunk, has a black-eye, and bleeds from his wounds. 

HERMAN
I swear Your Honor, this Party is ready to commence this hearing.

JUDGE WANKITT
All parties-in my chambers-now.
IN-CHAMBERS

The two parties, Judge Wankitt and Stunkerton Wankitt Jr. enter. Due to poor vision, Stunkerton Wankitt Jr. runs into the wall. Herman helps him up, pets him. He retrieves the last morsel of carob from his pocket. By instinct he moves it to his mouth, pauses and feeds it to Stunkerton Wankitt Jr. instead. He eats it, returns to master's side.

JUDGE WANKITT
I'm inclined to postpone this hearing until both parties are coherent.

HERMAN
Your Honor, three days ago Reese ran away from his own home to notify his father that Ms. Jennings has possible plans to flee the country. This was no unauthorized taking of a child-it was necessary for Doug to keep the child from leaving jurisdictions-for the THIRD time.

JOCELYN
He kidnapped Reese! He's a criminal!
Judge Wankitt can no longer focus because of an upset stomach.

JUDGE WANKITT
Stunketon... Why did you let me have ghee for lunch?
(to the parties)
...It's like my stomach is a pastry bag...and if you squeeze it, something is bound to come out of one of the ends. Either way you look at it-it does not have a promising ending-like this case.
(holds stomach)
I'm going to allow Ms. Jennings a little leniency here and give her--
Stunkerton Wankitt Jr. faces Judge Wankitt; wheezing and tensing. He stares at Judge Wankitt; holding his arm to his chest.

JUDGE WANKITT (cont'd)
Stunkerton! What's happening son?! 

Stunkerton Wankitt Jr. drops dead of a heart attack.

DOUG
Maybe he's just playing dead.

HERMAN
Playing dead is their first defense.

JUDGE WANKITT
SOMEBODY CALL WEASEL 911!
Judge Wankitt uses his pinky to feel for a pulse. He cries. 
Judge Wankitt rips out a tiny pair defibrillators. He puts the gel on:
JUDGE WANKITT
CLEAR!
(zaps him)
The ghee was my fault! I'm sorry Stunkterton!

MS. ROACH
Oh Jesus. He's already bloating!

Stunkerton Wankitt Jr. releases gas from his anal-sacs.

EVERYONE EXCEPT JUDGE WANKITT
Fuc-

Stunkerton Wankitt Jr. fumigates the room. Everyone evacuates except Judge Wankitt. We stay with Judge Wankitt.

JUDGE WANKITT
My eyes and throat are burning! I won't leave my furry comrade! My heart hurts so bad!
JUDGE WANKITT'S COURTROOM

Everyone evacuates. Its silent. LIPPENCOTT enters in-chambers. A moment goes by and then his head pops out.

LIPPENCOTT
Somebody call the coroner!
EXT. TAMPA COURTHOUSE FRONT ENTRANCE - 15 MINUTES LATER

Everyone gathers along with two ambulances. PARAMEDICS wheel out Judge Wankitt on a gurney, in an open body bag. His face is frozen with a mournful sob and a misting of green residue.

The CORONER speaks with the news crew.

CORONER
I will perform an autopsy on Judge Wankitt and the skunk. Hopefully, that will lead us to clues in their deaths.

Doug and Herman glow. One down. One to go.

HERMAN
(to Doug)
Is this where I thank him?

Paramedics wheel out Stunkerton Wankitt Jr. on a gurney, in a tiny, open body bag. He's belly up with all fours sticking up.

The two parties gather. Herman gets Jocelyn all worked up.

HERMAN (cont'd)
Jocelyn, Doug is filing an emergency motion for temporary custody--

JOCELYN
NO WAY! I'm not waiting while Doug gets Reese. A different judge-so be it!
Ms. Roach excuses Jocelyn and herself from the group. Its apparent that Jocelyn wins the argument with her lawyer.

MS. ROACH
(rejoins)
We're ready for trial. We can proceed with a stand-in judge to hear the case.
INT. JUDGE WANKITT'S COURTROOM - ABOUT AN HOUR LATER

EVERYONE (excluding Reese) is present for the anticipation of Florida's biggest custody trial. It's at capacity. SOME dab their noses with tissues to fight the stench. Herman is pen-free and ready to rock-and-roll. Animals roam. 

DOUG
Herman, I've never been nervous before a trial-and I'm nervous.

HERMAN
(triumphantly)
I'm not. Let's serve her a legal rape sandwich.

The courtroom clerk enters with a judge trailing behind. We do not see who it is yet.

COURTROOM CLERK
All rise. The Honorable Judge Judy Sheindlin presiding. This Court is now in session.

GUEST APPEARANCE JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN.

Everyone's face melts. Ms. Roach nearly keels over. Jocelyn has no idea who the judge is.

JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.
(shuffles papers)
Bailiffs, please transport these animals to Zoo Tampa where they will receive the best of care.

A bailiff grabs the sloth. The sloth slowly waves goodbye.

JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN (cont'd)
Mr. Jennings, why are you not wearing a tie?

DOUG
I get claustrophobic Your Honor.

JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN
Suck it up-because today you're wearing one! It will perform as a tourniquet until we are adjourned.

DOUG
Yes, Your Honor.

Peter hands his tie to Doug. Doug wears it but he's not happy. Jocelyn smirks. Judge Judy Sheindlin almost misses it.

JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN
Ms. Jennings, if you think I had a short-fuse on TV, you're in for a rough ride. New York City Mayor appointed me to family court in 1982 and then I was Manhattan's supervising family court judge in 1986. I have been practicing family law for 37 years. I was retired-but I'm back in business to hear this case that's gained national notoriety.
(tosses wooden club)
This is a bench-trial-meaning there's no jury. Mr. Porter, you may call your first witness.

Herman stands. He pours a glass of tap water. Doug watches in amazement as he gulps it down without regret. Doug tugs on his tie and gags a bit.
***

Eli is on the stand; nervous and upset. Jocelyn is inflamed. 

HERMAN
When Doug returned Reese from Thanksgiving break 2015, can you tell us what you saw that night?

ELI
I watched Jocelyn, after Reese went to bed, go in his room and take Reese's lobster elastics, a gift from Doug. 
(beat)
S-She threw them in the trash. But I retrieved them later that night.
Eli pulls out the lobster elastic bundle from his shorts.

MS. ROACH
Objection--
Herman bows his head, shit, god bless Eli but not too bright.

ELI
(to Jocelyn)
Reese loved these things! And all you did was toss them in the trash along with his feelings! He's a little kid and Douggy is a great father! And, while I have witnesses around-I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore. You're...you're just an awful human being.

JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN
What is this, "Dynasty"? Mr. Fanuzzi, you are not allowed to bring evidence into the courtroom in that manner. Objection: sustained.
***
A shot of Dick Trigger P.I. in the benches. He wears a suit, and disposable latex gloves. He is dead asleep. 
Jocelyn is on the stand. Ms. Roach approaches her.

MS. ROACH
Can you tell me the good qualities you possess as a mother and why Reese should continue living with you? 

JOCELYN
I give him a stable environment to live in. He lives in a beautiful house. I work closely with his teachers and that's why he gets good grades and excels in school. He enjoys my after-school sports and activities I choose for him. He doesn't go without presents during the holidays. 
Ms. Roach sits. Herman re-directs.

HERMAN
Oh, presents...Would you say its accurate Reese has many resources available to him?

JOCELYN
Yes. Absolutely.

HERMAN
Have you ever given Reese a gift lets say...from Doug and passed it off as your own?

JOCELYN
No. I have no reason to do that. I give Reese presents all the time.

HERMAN 
Your Honor, for the purposes of impeachment, the defense would like to enter a new exhibit, a hidden camera video.

MS. ROACH
A hidden camera?! You can't be serious?
Judge Judy Sheindlin motions and they approach.

MS. ROACH (cont'd)
This is an invasion of privacy.

HERMAN
Dick Trigger was a private investigator hired by my client. Therefore, any public acts can be observed and collected by him. He did use a level of
(scratches face, fibs)
caution when placing the camera.

JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN
What is the purpose of this video?

HERMAN
Its a video of Jocelyn taking ownership of a gift-basket Doug left for Reese at his school in which she rips the card off and tosses it in the trash. It shows her credibility.

MS. ROACH
Audio surveillance by and large is illegal. In Florida its illegal to record without consent of both parties.

HERMAN
Although true, that doesn't apply to hidden cameras without audio. Reese's school has postings notifying the public that they are also recording.
Judge Judy Sheindlin turns her head to Ms. Roach.

MS. ROACH
...Technology is changing faster than law can keep up with. There's conflicting rules on the legality.

JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN
...I'm going to allow video. It wasn't taken in a confidential place where Jocelyn would expect complete privacy and would not be considered invasive.
They return to their sides. Herman plays the recording:
ON THE TV, from the hidden camera: Jocelyn reads the card, rips it off and throws it in the trash and then passes the gift-basket to Reese.
Doug's lip curls up. Jocelyn acts as though its not a big deal. Spectators are disgusted.
***

MS. ROACH
Your Honor, we would like to enter a newly acquired video exhibit.

JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN
You may play the exhibit.
ON THE TV, recorded video from the F.C.G.: Reese shoots the fire-fighting monitors at the F.C.G. officers. Doug and Herman cheer. 

REESE (ON TV)
IMA GONNA JUICE YOU WENDY LIKE A GODDAMN FLORIDA ORANGE!
Spectators chuckle, however Doug and Herman are embarrassed.
***

Jocelyn is on the stand. Herman stands. Doug handcuffs Herman's hands-they rest in his lap. He advances.

HERMAN
Permission to approach Your Honor?

JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN
Mr. Porter, this is a public courtroom not a private bedroom.

HERMAN
Your Honor, forgive me, I'd rather be extra cautious. I have a wrap-sheet of accidental strangulation.
Judge Sheindlin, never in my career. She gestures to proceed.

HERMAN (cont'd)
(turns to Jocelyn)
Ms. Jennings, you've stated you're close to Reese. Whats his favorite animal?

JOCELYN
It was bears...then, his favorite animals are
(guesses, doesn't know)
beavers.
Doug is instantly alert. He looks around the room. Herman continues on without skipping a beat. Doug is proud.

HERMAN
Well, I personally know that's incorrect. It's manatees.
Jocelyn shows a sour face. Ms. Roach stands up to object.

HERMAN (cont'd)
Withdrawn. Lets move on to the testimony you gave on March 15, 2013 in Georgia. Can you tell this court the reason why Judge Gray allowed you to move to Florida?

JOCELYN
She let me leave because it would be best for Reese--

HERMAN
YES! If you continued and encouraged the relationship between his father and your son-you haven't done so! Why didn't you send Reese for two years after you moved to Florida?

JOCELYN
(puppy tears)
I tried to send him but Doug never followed through. Its not my fault Doug doesn't know Reese like I do.

HERMAN
Isn't it true the only reason you were allowed to leave is because you testified money would not be a problem in sending Reese across two states.

JOCELYN
There's a lot of things Judge Gray said that are still up in the air. 
Herman walks back to his table where Doug hands him some documents. He starts off slightly confrontational.  

HERMAN
Ms. Jennings I have here the Final Divorce Decree. Its your court order. Please tell me, does it order Doug to have access to Reese's medical records?

JOCELYN
(annoyed)
Um. I don't believe so.

HERMAN
Does it require both parents to consent on surgical procedures for Reese?

JOCELYN
I'm not sure but I will do anything on Reese that I think he needs.

HERMAN
Can you briefly describe what is ordered for visitation rights for both the custodial and non-custodial parent?

JOCELYN
Ugh. I don't know.
Judge Judy Sheindlin looks shell-shocked. Herman becomes increasingly hostile. Jocelyn is contemptuous.

HERMAN
This is your court order! You don't know what it says about your child?!

JOCELYN
I don't appreciate your threatening tone. 

HERMAN
Tell me what it says?! Tell me a phrase in it?! You don't know do you?! Ms. Jennings, have you ever even read your Final Divorce Decree?!--

JOCELYN
(stands up)
My lawyer never gave me that! I don't need to memorize a court order!--
Spectators whisper under their breathes, unbelievable. Ms. Roach realizes the weight of her testimony.
***
Ms. Roach stands.

MS. ROACH
Your Honor, Ms. Jennings requests the child testifies. 

HERMAN
We object. Counsel knows that typically children don't testify. The Courts aren't persuaded by this type of testimony as it is considered biased.

JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN
(nods)
I agree with Mr. Porter. Overruled.
Jocelyn's body language turns into a toddler who has been told that she can't have dessert before dinner. Doug and Herman exchange a look confirming they came to the right decision.
***
Herman finishes his closing statements.

HERMAN
...To modify an order awarding sole custody there must be an extraordinary change of circumstances. Since the temporary orders Mr. Jennings has been shorted over 355 days of visitation. Imagine if this continued five more years? Or ten?!
(beat)
Jocelyn and her parents 
(points to them)
swore under oath, paying for and sending Reese would not be an issue. They were fully aware it was their responsibility to adhere to the court orders.
Tami is steaming. Kip battles to restrain her.

HERMAN (cont'd)
Mr. Jennings knew long ago how this crystal ball was going to cast it's fortune.
(beat)
Even after Mr. Jennings moved to Florida to be with his son, Ms. Jennings, willingly and knowingly has infringed upon his constitutional rights. You can't change someone who doesn't see something wrong with their actions. She doesn't want to change. Ms. Jennings has no intention to ever follow court orders or allow Reese to have a meaningful relationship with his dad. The Court's need to stop giving leniency to those who do not deserve it and set serious consequences if those rules aren't respected.
(beat)
Your Honor, Mr. Jennings has exhausted every avenue to try and see his son. But, Ms. Jennings continues to engage in unjustifiable conduct, fails to comply with court orders, commits substantial violations and absconds with Reese. 
The focus is always on the child's "best interests" meaning that all decisions are made with the ultimate goal of fostering and encouraging the child's happiness, security, mental health, and emotional development. It would not be in Reese's best interest to remain with his mother. Mr. Jennings must have his son returned. Thank you.

JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN
Thank you Mr. Porter and Ms. Roach. I will review the mountain of material and make a ruling within 30 days or less.
INT. JUDGE WANKITT'S COURTROOM - ABOUT 30 DAYS LATER - DAY
Everyone who was at the trial has gathered again. Judge Judy Sheindlin sits at her bench, puts on her glasses and addresses the court. Silence. Doug's family holds hands in support for each other, while Jocelyn's side sits disjointed and self-satisfied.
 (cont'd)
JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN
I'd like to begin with a pointed finger at the public. The sexual allegations against Mr. Jennings have been found to be 100% unsubstantiated.
(looks at Doug, attitude)
Mr. Jennings, condoning Reese to water-board the Florida Coast Guard? Let me say this: you're like a lava lamp-fun to look at but not that bright.
(beat)
I am appalled that the State Attorney’s Office and Ms. Jennings pursued Mr. Jennings for child support when they both knew the allegations against him were false! Their actions are reprehensible. Both parties will be ordered to return his--

Out of the blue, Doug jumps out of his chair. He rips off his tie and stomps it. This STARTLES Herman and he mimics Doug's actions; Herman stomps the tie too. Finish. Herman eyes the tie, pauses:

HERMAN
(to everyone)
Sorry! We got it-it's dead.

JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN
Ms. Jennings, I've seen few cases that show this magnitude of back-biting. It is parental interference in epic proportions which unfortunately makes you dumber than a cob of corn. You're more focused on actively concealing Reese and antagonizing your ex-husband than thinking of your child' best interests; which leads me to raise serious questions about your commitment as the primary caregiver.
Pan to Jocelyn, Tami and Kip who have no respect for the judge.

JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN (cont'd)
You and your parents have grossly mislead the Courts with your testimony and have defaulted on the ordered agreement-regardless of a change of venue. I view it as a pre-meditated tactical exit to manipulate jurisdiction. You have by all legal terms fled with a child to another state and held him against his will which is criminally negligent.   
Pan to Herman, Doug, his family, who await hopeful.

JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN (cont'd)
The roles of mothers and fathers have changed dramatically but the laws are still stuck in the past. Which is a shame because that leaves many cases, like this one, with an ineffective custody arrangement.
Nobody moves or breathes. Surreal.

JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN (cont'd)
Ms. Jennings, clearly you will never allow a relationship between Reese and his father. I can not ignore your actions. Therefore, it is in the best interests of the child that sole custody be awarded to Mr. Jennings and that Reese is returned permanently to his father.

Everyone lets out deafening mixed-emotions. Doug simply bows his head. He is without a smile. Bittersweet.

JUDGE JUDY SHEINDLIN (cont'd)
Mr. Jennings, you are free to leave with your son.

JOCELYN

void of color, motionless, thunderstruck.
CUT TO BLACK:
INT. DOUG'S HOUSE - MONTHS LATER - DAY

The door-bell RINGS. Naked Reese runs to the door and opens it.

REESE
Oh, hey Hermy.

HERMAN
Are you about to finger-paint?

REESE
I wish! Daddy says I'm getting too old to finger-paint with my lonely anteater. Wanna bathe with me?

HERMAN
As your non-attorney and friend; I should sit that one out. But if you put shorts on, I'll stay for bath time.

REESE
Okay!
Herman enters casually. Reese takes off.

HERMAN
Your house looks nice after the remodel.

REESE (O.S.)
Hermy, can you make me an oatmeal bath?

HERMAN
Sure thing Buddy.
BATHROOM

Herman enters with a scalding pot of oatmeal. Reese bathes with his bundle of lobster elastics. Herman holds the pot above Reese's head when Doug enters, aghast.

HERMAN
I thought oatmeal baths were good for kids?
Doug takes the pot and hands Herman a packet of oatmeal.

DOUG
Reese's last bath landed him in the doctors office. No more dangerous baths please.

REESE
I fell down butt-first onto a marble.

ANDY (O.S)
You guys home?

Andy and Miss Violet join the gang.

ANDY
We wanted to say goodbye before our honeymoon.

MISS VIOLET
We eloped!
(splays hand with ring)
And...we're five months pregnant!

DOUG
Haven't you guys only been sleeping with each other for like two months?

ANDY
Yeah. Isn't she incredible!

They make-out hard-core. Everyone's grossed out.

DOUG
Well, now that everyone's here, I have some news. I was offered my job back. But I had an epiphany and declined the offer. Miss Violet I have a position open if you're interested.

MISS VIOLET
Seriously? I'd love that! Oh Nelly!

DOUG
Andy, we know you have a contract you can never leave.

Andy smiles, very funny.

DOUG (cont'd)
And, Herman. ...How about staying in Florida and pursuing a legitimate field of law that you excel in-as partner?

HERMAN
(tears up and regroups)
I'm the wealthiest man on the planet.
EXT. COURTYARD - MONTHS LATER - DAY

BBQ. A sign on the building reads: "PORTER & JENNINGS FAMILY LAW". Everyone (excluding Jocelyn, Tami, and Kip) is present including the FIRM'S CLIENTELE, of about 20-some.

Reese flips veggie-burgers. The Kangen machine is on a nearby table.

Naomi and Herman cross paths. Herman opens a present from Doug: a wristwatch with the days of week. Herman is touched. Beat. Herman is STARTLED and busts the watch against the grill. Naomi blushes. Herman blushes back.

DOUG
(to everyone, humble)
Thank you all for your support. Too many parents miss irreplaceable time with their children. The Family Court System needs to be overhauled-and we are going to advocate that change.

Everyone claps. Reese runs to Doug with his manatee plushie.

REESE
(picks Reese up)
Can we go to the water fountain again?

DOUG
Of course.

Doug puts Reese back down. They break away and walk:

DOUG (cont'd)
You've hit a growth spurt.

REESE
Herman says my balls are gonna go from two cherry tomatoes to a pair of waterlogged figs in a fur coat.

DOUG
That's a real homey image to process.

REESE
Daddy, I'm glad we're together again. I had no idea that you'd get stabbed, harpooned and drink hand sanitizer just to get me back.

DOUG
You'd be surprised what parents do for their kids. You should contact your mother sometime soon.

REESE
I know. But, first let's go celebrate my birthday with something fun.

DOUG
Like what?

REESE
Let's go see those dang baby sea cows!

DOUG
You got it Buddy!
EXT. A WATER FOUNTAIN INSTALLATION - CONTINUOUS

The twangy beat of "Dog Days are Over" by Florence + The Machine plays. Time slows. Doug and Reese enter the fountain. They smile in anticipation of the water jets. The scene softens. Vibrant. Then, sprays of water shoot in all directions, surrounding them. Doug picks up Reese and hugs him tightly. Reese's manatee plushie nestles in between their embrace. We slowly circle around them. The water mist bounces off the sun's rays. A rainbow breaks. Reese points to the sprays of water that soak them. They exchange eye contact. Smiling. Undeniably happy. 

THE END